Torn Up Inside
by PadfootIsMyHomeDawg
Summary: James is at detention; Peter is sick. So only Padfoot is left to deal with Moony on the full moon. But that soon becomes dangerous when Sirius makes a mistake that haunts him for weeks afterward, and he's ostricized from his fellow Marauders. Will he and the Marauders - mostly him and Remus - be able to make up, or will he always be torn up inside? Full warnings inside - rated M!
1. Torn Up Inside

**So...I know this isn't like the type of fic that I usually write, but after reading one that was basically the synopsis of the first part of this chapter, my Muse hit me and I decided to basically change the ending of the other one and write up the aftermath of what happened. I would give this person credit, but it was a while ago that I read the fic and I don't even remember what it was called...:/ Anyhoo, in case you didn't read the entire summary, there are warnings that make me have to rate this fic M...there is noncon, dubcon, bestiality (with a werewolf, so I dunno if that counts...), semi-cutting/self-harm, graphic/blunt descriptions and speaking, language, and implied M/M sex. So, hopefully you guys are okay with that...please review and let me know what you think of this!**

* * *

**Torn Up Inside by WaldoIsHiddenHere (now PadfootIsMyHomeDawg)**

* * *

**_"There are moments in life when it is all turned inside out-what is real becomes unreal, what is unreal becomes tangible, and all your levelheaded efforts to keep a tight on to logical control are rendered silly and indulgent."  
― Aleksandar Hemon_**

* * *

**Moony POV**

Moon.

Power.

Scent.

Dog.

Familiar.

Lick.

Happy.

Play.

Paw.

Pain.

Magic.

Unfamiliar.

Intruder.

Human.

Sniff.

_Claim._

* * *

**Regular POV**

Sirius waited for Remus' transformation to be complete, wishing that James or Peter was with him tonight. It was always easier with three of them rather than just one, but Peter had been used as a guinea pig in a prank idea and was now in the Hospital Wing trying to get his skin to stop changing colors. James was in detention for the deed - he'd taken the fall as it was a full moon and Remus needed _someone _with him, and it was Sirius' turn this time.

He cringed as Remus let out a cry of pain that quickly morphed into a howl as his face elongated into that of a wolf. This was the worst part of the transformation - seeing the pain his friend went through every month. He closed his eyes as though to block it out as Moony finally emerged, dropping to four paws and panting in exertion after the painful process. Rumbles filled the werewolf's throat as he sniffed and regained his bearings. Sirius opened his eyes as Moony padded over to him and sniffed his dog form.

This was a ritual of sorts that Sirius was already familiar with, and he didn't move as Moony checked him over. Then, seemingly satisfied, he gave a happy sort of yip and licked his face. Padfoot responded with a lick of his own to Moony.

For the better part of an hour, they yapped and frolicked – _ew, did he really just think that word? _– and played together. Padfoot kept him in the shack, but he couldn't keep the werewolf from leaping about the house, from room to room.

Unfortunately, the next room that Moony went into was filled with splinters of wood that had been a bookshelf six months before. It had been after Sirius and Remus had gotten into an argument that Moony had come out, still angry inside. It had been harder to control the beast then, and the room had never been cleaned up. Taking one glance into the room, Sirius could clearly see the sharp edges of the wood pieces piled up. Moony couldn't see the danger of being stabbed by one of these, but Sirius knew he had to get him out.

Moony gave Padfoot a questioning yip as the dog stood outside the door. He cocked his head to the side, question obvious - _you coming?_

Padfoot gave a bark and trotted backwards a couple of steps, and then gave another bark – _follow me!_

The Alpha's fur bristled slightly. _He _was in charge here – _he _chose where to play! He gave a soft growl in warning, but Padfoot simply yipped and took another step back, away from the doorway.

The werewolf got more annoyed at this, and took a step forward to teach that dog a lesson about who was in charge.

Sirius winced as Moony let out a surprised, painful yowl. Before looking, he knew that he'd hurt himself on the wood. Sure enough, when he looked down he saw a piece of wood, about a foot long, sticking up through his front paw. It looked like it had clipped bone.

Padfoot stepped into the room, being careful of the wood, having the intention of using his teeth to get the wood out. He stopped at a low growl, and looked up to see Moony staring at him angrily and – with pride.

With a flash of inspiration, Sirius understood. The werewolf was the Alpha – he was supposed to look after himself and others, not others look after him. At least in his mind. But he knew that he wouldn't be able to get that out himself. And he shuddered to think how painful it would be when he reverted back to human form, with the wood sticking in his bone as it was. He yipped softly to his friend, taking a single step forward before, with a low growl, Moony swiped his paw, sending Padfoot crashing back several feet to the door. Padfoot whimpered in pain as several of the pieces tore into his skin. He made it louder than he normally would have in pain, hoping that Moony would take it as a sign of submissiveness.

Remus had once explained to his three friends the dynamics of how a werewolf thought. Sirius knew that Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs were a part of Moony's pack. When Remus had told them that he was the Alpha, James and Sirius had laughed and teased him about it, saying that he was definitely the most docile of all of them – even more so than Peter. But after watching him in following full moons, they could see and sense the dominating power that he held. And as he was leader, that made them followers. Sure, they guided the wolf many times without him realizing it, but if Moony put his foot down, they knew to back down before they were _forced _to.

Sirius stayed where he was for several moments, head bowed, before he finally glanced up at Moony, being sure not to look him in the eye as it would be taken as a challenge. The wolf was still glaring at him, but was also panting heavily in exertion, obviously in great pain.

Sirius hesitated, before taking a step forward. Getting no sign to retreat, he padded over to his friend and dropped down beside him, looking at him through mournful eyes. Moony let out a whine and dropped beside him, letting out a howl of pain as the end of the spike broke off, leaving only the wood in his paw.

Sirius' heart sank at the sight. He could never get it out as Padfoot, but if it was left until he shifted back...well, it wouldn't last that long. Sirius wouldn't be surprised if Moony bit his hand clean off to get rid of it. And that would be so much more painful once he shifted again.

Sirius let out a low keen from his throat, dipping his head to lick the werewolf's bleeding wound. Moony let out a harsh bark, but didn't retaliate, sensing the dog's need to comfort him. Sirius felt his heart tear when Moony let out a whimper and rested his head on his paws.

This was a side of the wolf that Sirius had never seen before. Moony got hurt a lot – definitely before his three friends had become Animagi – and probably worse than this at times, so why was Moony looking so pathetic now?

With a jolt, Sirius realized – Moony had torn _himself_ up before. Now, that had been taken from him when he'd been feeling playful – he'd had no choice in the matter. It wasn't so much the pain but the helplessness.

But, he reasoned, the pain must be a part of it, and Remus would be miserable if he changed back and either, a.) a piece of wood was stuck in him or b.) he was missing his entire hand. So Sirius knew he had to take it out. And while it would be quick and simple with fingers, his paws and teeth would provide a problem.

Sirius looked at Moony. He seemed to be lost in his own world, oblivious to another's presence. He could shift back to his human form and take the wood out before Moony even knew. He could shift back and they'd be fine then and Moony would forget about it and keep playing.

Or so he told himself. He knew that Moony was fast, but if he was just quick enough...

Before he could doubt himself, he reverted back to his human form. Moony immediately tensed, but Sirius was already pulling the wood piece out.

He wasn't too surprised to suddenly find a large paw pressing against his chest, nails pressed against his skin through the shirt, but he was still a bit nervous about what Moony might do to him as he didn't recognize his human form. His back was pressed harshly to the floor, wood biting but not piercing his skin. The werewolf loomed over him, panting heavily as he pressed his weight into him.

Knowing that he couldn't exactly do a whole lot in this state, Sirius tried to block his emotions, pushing the fear and nervousness from his mind, instead bringing loyalty and love and friendship to the surface. Hopefully if the wolf sensed a friend, he would be safe enough to change back to Padfoot, even if it was only a brief moment of hesitation on Moony's part.

The pressure lightened on his chest only momentarily, but then it was there again, though this time the nails were retracted. Sirius saw an odd look in Moony's eyes that he'd never seen before and definitely didn't recognize. The eyes glowed for a brief instant before the paw beside his head moved down, down...and dragged claws through his jeans, ripping them to shreds before shoving them aside, his bottom half now completely naked. Sirius felt fear come back to him, not knowing what was going on, before he was flipped quickly over onto his stomach. Sirius was even more confused, and he couldn't help but let out a surprised yell when his arse was lifted in the air. The yell changed to a pain-filled shriek as something large swiftly entered his hole, causing white to flash over his eyes.

Sirius struggled to comprehend what was going on. He was being raped. He was being _raped_, by a fucking _werewolf! _It went against everything Remus had ever told him and everything he'd researched. When in their wolf form, they weren't supposed to feel anything like this – all they cared about was meat, meat, meat.

Against his will, tears spilled from his eyes as he tried to breathe through the stinging, burning agony as his hole clenched and convulsed around the foreign invader, and the overpowering smell of fur and sweat. His cheek was pressed into the wooden ground by one of Moony's large paws, the other paw at the small of his back. He couldn't have moved even if he'd tried.

The wolf on top of him wasn't gentle in the least – it seemed more ritualistic than anything as he pumped and thrust himself in and out of him. Sirius choked on his tears and spit, hoping that it was over soon. Vaguely he hoped Remus didn't remember this later – he was sure that the guilt would tear him up inside. He felt the burn in his arse fading, and felt warmth trickling down his thigh, and knew that the lubricant was his own blood. As Moony came inside him, tears dripped from his chin and he resolved to never tell _anyone _of what happened that night.

* * *

Sirius shuddered with relief as Moony finally pulled his cock from his body with a loud squelch, but he didn't move, even when Moony removed his paws to stand beside him. He stared dully at the wood grains in front of his eyes, just wanting to curl up in his dorm. This never would have happened if James and Peter had been here. He wished, for once in his life, that they hadn't tried the prank, even if only on Peter. He wouldn't be in so much pain right now, and he wouldn't be wondering what he was going to do to hide this from his best friends.

Moony let out a low whine when he didn't move, as though asking him what was wrong. Sirius would've snorted if he'd had the energy. Everything was wrong – just…everything. He vaguely realized that his body was going into shock after the agony. It was a different sort of agony than that of the Cruciatus Curse - something he was already familiar with. There was the physical, but also the emotional and mental feelings of being violated so harshly, and by one he trusted.

Moony prodded Sirius with his nose, as though coaxing him to get up. Sirius was reminded very suddenly of a dog trying to wake up its master. He let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob, and Moony gave him a questioning look before licking a stripe up the side of his face, wiping away some of the tears. If Sirius didn't know any better, he would've thought that the wolf was trying to comfort him.

Following instinct, Sirius reached a hand up and simply patted the wolf's nose, as though saying, _it's okay. It's not your fault._

After that, Moony curled up beside him and went to sleep.

* * *

Sirius crept back to the dorms under James' invisibility cloak. It was only midnight, surprisingly, meaning that James would probably just be going down to be with Remus. Sirius had felt slightly guilty at leaving the wolf alone, but he'd been asleep when he left, and Sirius was sure that he'd stay that way for a while. The sex had exhausted the wolf apparently, though Sirius was sure that _he_ was the more exhausted of the pair. He was already feeling sore, especially in his arse. Every step burned, making him just want to collapse and never get back up again. But he knew, if he just got to the dorms, he would be okay.

He felt empty, almost. It was odd, to know that he'd been raped by his best friend. Not really, though – Remus wasn't in control at the time, so Sirius didn't blame him for it – but still, it was just that thought that was tormenting him. And _why_? Why hadn't he been attacked or killed instead? Mind you, it's not like he _preferred _death, but…still. He couldn't help but wonder.

He had the shreds of the clothing that had been torn off of him clutched in his hands, to make sure that no one would find out what had happened. He had left no clues, even checking to make sure that the blood hadn't dripped onto the floor. It had, but with a quick cleaning charm it had disappeared. And after a several _episkey_'s and a _scourgify _on himself, he was sure that Remus wouldn't figure it out based on his scent later.

Sirius stumbled into the common room – finally – and threw his shredded clothes into the fire so that Remus' senses wouldn't smell it later, especially as some of his blood was on it. He didn't want too many questions being asked, especially as he realized that it would look odd to James, coming upon the sleeping werewolf with Sirius gone.

But, as he staggered into his dorm room, he couldn't bring himself to care about the repercussions that would be sure to come in the morning. All he wanted was to sleep, to pass out and forget about everything going on right then. Still under the invisibility cloak, he collapsed on top of his bed and fell into an exhausted and restless sleep.

* * *

**You guys interested? Even if you totally hate it and think I should just die (;p), please review, and let me know! :)**


	2. Fight With the Marauders

**_"The silence is the worst part of any fight, because it's made up of all the things we wish we could say, if only we had the guts."  
― Pete Wentz_**

* * *

James was furious. He had just come upon Moony's sleeping form, but Sirius was nowhere in sight. How could Sirius have just _left _the werewolf alone in the change? He could've hurt himself again! The whole _reason _they'd become Animagi was to help Remus! Granted, he _wasn't _hurt this time – thankfully – but there was no way to predict that. There was wood all over the floor that he could've run through and ended up stabbing himself.

Just then, Moony raised his head, and, seeing Prongs in the doorway, let out a low growl. He rose to his hind legs and sniffed the air before letting out a bone-chilling howl. It sounded almost angry and lonely at the same time. James was confused by it, but he pushed the thought away, taking a step into the room.

Moony dropped back down to four paws and growled at Prongs in warning. James stopped, still in the room, and Moony let out a bark of anger. James stepped back out of the room, and Moony took another step forward.

In a sudden leap, he flew at Prongs, claws extended. James cantered backwards and out of the way, surprised. Moony wasn't usually like this – not now, anyway. The way he acted now reminded him of the first time Moony had met the Animagi, before he decided to allow them into his pack.

But he didn't have any more time to think about it as he dodged the claws again, and galloped back through the hallway. Just a few hours, and he would be back to Remus, and they could figure out what had happened to make Moony so territorial.

And then he could kick Sirius' ass for leaving the werewolf alone.

* * *

Sirius woke up some time in the early morning hours. Looking at the clock, he saw that it was almost four in the morning. He rubbed his face tiredly, the events of a few hours before coming to him in a rush. He realized the invisibility cloak was still wrapped around himself, and he sat up, untangling it from himself. He was still naked from the waist down, only wearing his school shirt. There was a spot of blood on it, so he grabbed his wand and cast _scourgify _on it. No point in burning the whole thing – it was still in good enough condition for school.

But he didn't want to wear it today. He didn't want any reminders of what had happened. The house elves could wash it, and later he wouldn't know the difference among his other shirts.

He took the shirt off and threw it into the laundry hamper, and then folded the invisibility cloak and put it on top of James' trunk. He went to the connecting bathroom and turned on the shower, immediately stepping underneath the cold water. He flinched, but he didn't move from where he stood under the spray as he waited for it to warm up.

_Hot water burns germs away, _he thought distantly as steam filled the bathroom. _And right now I'm just a big germ._

His skin turned red under the heated water, and he grabbed the bar of soap, repeatedly washing every inch of his body. Get it off, get it all off, all the germs… He scrubbed and scrubbed, not realizing he was sobbing until it became hard to breathe. Still he continued scouring himself – his arms, his face, his torso, his back, his legs, his feet, his ears, even inside of him. He had to get clean, but he just felt so dirty still, even when his skin was rubbed raw and some places began to bleed.

Finally he stopped, though he didn't feel any cleaner than before. He shut the water off and stepped out of the shower, dully grabbing a towel and drying himself off. He went back to the dorm and saw that he'd been in the shower for an entire hour and a half, based on the clock. He pulled on his school uniform without realizing he was doing so, and then walked down to the common room, with the intention of grabbing some food from the kitchens.

But when he got there, he saw the last person he'd expected to see. Lily Evans. She was seated on one of the chairs by the fire, writing an essay. She brought to mind thoughts of James and consequently Peter and…Remus. He didn't want to think about them right then, so he ignored her and continued on his way to the door.

"Black?"

The voice came behind him, from Lily. He tried to ignore it and continue on his way, but she persisted.

"Black – ? Sirius!"

There were quick steps behind him, and then a hand grabbed his arm, trying to turn him around. He didn't resist, looking at her through dull eyes. She was surprised at the look on his face. As long as she had ever known him, he had always been so full of life, a grin constantly occupying his face. If she didn't know any better she would've thought that this was someone else entirely.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" she asked him urgently, deciding that now was not the time to distance herself from him by using his last name. Even when he got into arguments with his friends, he would never be this dreary. He would've put on a façade, at the very least. But now every emotion he was feeling was out in the open. Unfortunately, he felt nothing at the moment. He was just empty, giving her no clues as to what happened.

"Nothin', Evans," Sirius answered dully. He tried to tug his arm away, but she held fast. "I don't have time for this right now."

"Why are you up so early?" She asked him, ignoring his last comment. "I've never seen you get up when it's still dark."

"You don't see a lot of things, Evans," he said hollowly. "You're just so lucky that way. What do you do to be so lucky all the time? Seriously, no normal person is as lucky as you are. I wouldn' be surprised if you had a secret stash of Liquid Luck somewhere…"

"Sirius!" Lily interrupted, realizing he was babbling. "What happened to you?" she would've said more, but Sirius answered, cutting her off.

"Something…" he said slowly, eyes travelling to the ceiling. "…awful."

"Sirius…" Lily practically whispered, truly getting worried now. He closed his eyes and bowed his head.

"Do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?" she asked him, already beginning to lead him to the door.

"No," he said, a trace of sadness in his voice. "Already healed m'self. S'not that kind of hurt."

Lily stopped and turned back to him, eyebrows drawn. "Did…did someone break your heart?" The thought was odd. Firstly, the fact that it would hit Sirius so hard that he looked only half there, and secondly, that Sirius actually _did _care. He went through his girls like socks. What was _one _in that long list to him, honestly?

But Sirius shook his head. "Not exactly," he whispered, and Lily saw the first sign of emotion at the tear that dripped off of his nose as he bowed his head.

Without another word, Lily took the normally rambunctious boy by the hand and led him over to the couch, sitting them both down across from each other. Still gripping his hands, she said firmly yet still tenderly, "Tell me everything that happened, Sirius."

Sirius choked and closed his eyes. "You can't tell anyone," he told her suddenly, opening his eyes to look at her through half-glazed eyes. He didn't seem to be much aware of what he was even saying. "Promise me, Lily – not even James or Remus or Peter."

By the use of her first name, Lily knew that this was something important. It was more that than anything else that convinced her to agree. She nodded.

"I promise," she said sincerely. "Tell me."

Sirius closed his eyes again and bowed his head, as though to avoid her gaze. His voice was choked, hardly more than a whisper, but she just managed to catch the words, "I…someone used me."

At first Lily didn't understand. Someone "used" him? That didn't seem to be such a big deal. Yes, it would hurt his feelings, but looking so torn up about it…then she studied him, saw the way he seemed to almost curl in on himself, as though protecting himself. His skin looked like it had been scrubbed raw, like he couldn't get rid of some sort of grime or potion on his skin.

Then she remembered how one of her dorm mates had been raped in her third year, and how she got through that. She remembered the way her friend was always washing herself, making her skin raw and red. When she had finally told Lily what had happened, she had explained that she felt so dirty all the time, unable to get rid of the feeling even for how much she washed. The girl had healed emotionally now, but she remembered the long process of it all, how she had blamed herself for so long. She had never said she had been raped – she had said she had been _used_.

Lily sucked in a breath as it seemed the floor fell out from beneath her. Black…_Sirius _was raped. Her brain could hardly comprehend the news. It didn't seem to fit with the confident, strong, cocky bastard she'd always seen in the boy. For the briefest of moments, she wondered if this was a prank of some sort, but looking at him – his face, his body language – it was clear that this was anything but a joke.

"I mean, sort of." Sirius continued mumbling, breaking in to Lily's thoughts. "He didn't even know what he was doing, so it was really my fault, goin' to him like that…"

At these words, Lily became angry. Who in _hell _could do this to him? Who had the _audacity _to tear down this boy's confidence, his very character? Who was so heartless as to rip out this boy's spirit and stomp it into a bruised, beaten, and battered object?

"Sirius Black, you listen to me," Lily said firmly, putting her hands on his shoulders. "This is _not _your fault, do you hear me? _It's_ _not your fault._" He had fallen quiet, listening but not processing and not looking up at her. She continued, hoping that something she said would get through to him. "You didn't ask for this – you couldn't have done anything. But you'll be okay, alright? Whoever did this to you is going to pay if I have to rip his balls off myself."

Sirius began to shake his head, but Lily didn't let him speak. "Sirius, tell me – who did this?"

Sirius didn't even get the chance to say anything as a couple of fourth-years came down from their dorms. Lily saw the change come over his face immediately, a mask slipping into place. Without a word, he rose and started towards the door.

"Wait," Lily said, rising after him. "Sirius!"

But Sirius had already slipped out the door.

* * *

Remus awoke in the Hospital Wing, feeling very odd. He couldn't quite pinpoint what was different from every other transformation, but he felt some sort of strange tugging on his body. It wasn't like the moon's pull, however. He also felt sorer than the other times he woke up, but looking at himself, he couldn't see any scratches. He must've just had a more exhausting time with Padfoot than usual.

He looked up as James suddenly appeared next to his bed, looking put out. Peter stood next to James, looking a bit worried and nervous. Remus began to feel nervous himself – what had he done that would make the normally laid-back boy irritated?

"Hey, how're you doing?" James asked him. Remus shrugged.

"Okay, I suppose. Not much different than most full moons. What's wrong?"

James blew out a breath. "_Sirius_ is what's wrong," he fumed, having no idea that Remus' heart flip-flopped at Sirius' name for no apparent reason. "I haven't seen him since dinner yesterday in the Great Hall, 'cause he wasn't there when I went to the Shrieking Shack."

"He wasn't?" Remus said, more confused than angry. "Why wasn't he there? Did something happen to him?"

"A girl, no doubt," James snorted. Peter nodded in agreement, though he didn't say anything.

"Then why am I not…you know…bloody and bruised?" Remus asked confusedly.

An odd look came over James' face as he temporarily forgot about being mad at Sirius. "I dunno," he said bewilderedly. "I showed up and you were just…sleeping. You looked totally fine, but then you woke up and started acting all territorial like the first time we showed up as Prongs, Padfoot, and Wormtail."

"Did I hurt you?" Remus asked, his heart sinking with dread.

James waved a hand dismissively. "Nah, I'm fine. Madame Pomfrey patched me up. She was under the impression that I sleepwalked and fell down the stairs. That was made much more believable because she actually saw me fall, and I just came up with the sleepwalking thing on the spot. Not my best excuse, but you know."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Any idea what upset you before I showed up?"

Remus slowly shook his head. "No. All I remember is…is a _need_."

"A need for what?" This time it was Peter that asked.

Remus shook his head again, mystified. "I don't know." A look of worry came over his face. "You don't suppose Sirius is hurt, do you? I mean, what if the reason he wasn't there was because I hurt him or chased him away? He could be unconscious in the Forbidden Forest, for all we know."

"It does seem odd that he would just up and leave you alone," James said slowly, the gears in his brain working. Then he paled. "Remus…Sirius has the map. How are we going to find him? What if he really _is _hurt?"

"Let's not jump to conclusions," Remus told him quickly, trying to project calmness into his voice. "If we don't see him for classes, we'll go searching for him."

James and Peter looked surprised. "But Remus, you need to stay in bed." Peter protested. "It's only just after…"

"Fuck it," Remus said, further shocking the two. Remus hardly ever swore – only when it was serious. He shoved the blanket off his lap. "Our best friend could be hurt somewhere – I'm bloody well _not_ staying in bed now."

* * *

Sirius went about his morning in a sort of dull daze. He berated himself constantly for confessing to Evans what had happened – _Lily Evans_, of all people. He avoided her so that she wouldn't push him to tell her who did it, though in reality he avoided everyone. He wasn't sure he could face any of the other three Marauders right then, so he didn't go to the Hospital Wing to visit Remus or go to the Great Hall for breakfast.

After grabbing a muffin from the kitchens – he didn't think his stomach could handle anything else – he made his way to the Room of Requirement to sit for a few hours. The room he asked for was simple – just some concrete walls with no windows, and an armchair in the corner. All he wanted was some alone time, where no one could bother him. He locked the door so that no curious students would come in and find him.

He didn't know how long he sat in there, but finally he decided that he had to face his friends sooner or later, or they would think – no, they would _know _that something was wrong. He could slip on a mask – he'd done it before.

When he reached the ground floor, he noticed students making their way to the Great Hall. Based on the lights coming through the windows, it was only lunch time, which meant that Sirius had only been in the Room of Requirements for seven hours. Strange, it had felt like days to him.

With a sigh, he walked through the doors, immediately spotting not the two friends he'd expected – it was right after the full moon, after all – but all three of them, huddled together and looking serious. They hadn't spotted him. Sirius felt a pang of guilt as he realized they were probably worried about where he'd been the night before and all morning, but it was quickly gone, leaving him empty.

His eyes wandered and caught sight of Lily's bright green stare. She gave him a small smile of comfort, and he quickly looked away. He could _not _deal with her right now. Choosing the lesser of two evils, he went to his friends, jovial mask slipping into place with little effort.

The three of them looked up as he sat beside Peter, as far away from Remus as he could be without looking suspicious. He knew it wasn't Remus' fault – he _knew _it – but still he couldn't help but hate him, just a little bit. Or maybe a lot, if he was being honest with himself.

"Hey, mates!" Sirius said, voice coming out a lot more cheerily than he felt. He was almost surprised with how easily his front came up. Of course, he'd had lots of practice after being the white sheep of the Black family, but he'd never been…_used _before. Not like that.

"I had possibly the"—_worst_—"best night of my life last night." Sirius continued lying through his teeth. "And I've made a life-changing decision, too. I definitely like brunettes better than I like blondes." _Because Remus is closer to blond than brunette, and who could love their rapist? _"I mean, blondes are easy"—_so hard to deal with_—"but brunettes seem to be a bit curvier, if you know what I mean." _Curves are definitely better than muscles. _"And blondes may be _all over _you"—_first true thing I've said_—"but at least brunettes know what they're doing." _He definitely didn't know what he was doing. So why am I feeling so hurt? _

"Sirius," James' face had grown steadily angrier throughout Sirius' dialogue. _Good, _Sirius thought. _I'm not the only one angry. _

"Where the _hell_ were you last night?" James hissed in a whisper so as not to be overheard by anyone outside their group. "We agreed that _you_ would be with Moony last night while _I _served detention and _Peter_ was in the Hospital Wing. And now you mean to tell me that you left him _alone _to be with some _girl_?!"

Sirius shrugged carelessly, though his heart was pounding painfully in his chest. "She was hot."

James' fists clenched. "I could deck you right now," he hissed angrily. "Remus is our _friend _– you're lucky he didn't hurt himself!"

_No, only me. _Sirius thought sourly.

"Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry in the least. "I didn't think it would take so long, but she was just a handful of fun in the – "

_Whack! _

Sirius was startled by the backhand that came from _Peter_,of all people. He had been expecting a punch from James or possibly Remus, but it coming from Peter shocked him into silence. The blow wasn't particularly hard, but it was more out of surprise than anything else that Sirius' head reared back. People close by stopped their conversation to listen in stunned surprise at a fight between the normally close-knit Marauders.

"You're despicable," Peter whispered furiously, surprising even Remus and James. "We _trusted_ you to watch over _our _friend, and you betrayed us _and _Remus for a _whore_."

Without another word, Peter stood up and left the Great Hall, James following right after. Remus remained seated for a moment, staring at Sirius with a sad expression. Sirius looked away, hoping that Remus didn't pick up on Sirius' nervousness and know that he was lying.

Finally, Remus stood and patted Sirius once on the shoulder before leaving the Great Hall behind his friends.

* * *

Remus lied in his bed that night, staring at the ceiling as several thoughts drifted through his mind. He thought of all four of them – the Marauders – and felt a sting of regret. He wasn't quite sure what he was regretting, but something felt…off. He rolled over in bed, and as he did, the wind from the open window blew in, past James' bed and to his own.

He caught a whiff of something slightly familiar, though strange at the same time. He sat up, sniffing more as the breeze continued to drift in. He located the smell to be coming from James' trunk, and with a soft laugh, he lied back down. The new smell was probably another thing for pranks, and Remus' werewolf senses had easily picked it up. James just couldn't help himself.

But even as he tried to convince this to himself, he still couldn't shake the feeling that he was missing something. Something important.

* * *

**So...yeah! Totally angsty and I love it! It will get better though...do you guys like it? Review and let me know! :)**


	3. He Said WHAT?

**Thank you for coming to find this fic on my new account! Sorry for the hassle, but I hope you enjoy chapter 3!**

* * *

**_"The silence was killing me. And that's all there ever was. Silence. It was all I knew. Keep quiet. Pretend nothing had happened, that nothing was wrong. And look how well that was turning out."  
― J. Lynn, _****Wait For You**

* * *

Two weeks.

It had been two weeks since the full moon, and none of the other three Marauders had spoken to Sirius. He, for his part, was glad. He wanted to be left alone from everyone, but a certain Lily Evans wouldn't allow that to happen. She took it upon herself to befriend him and make sure he didn't become suicidal or anything like that after his friends had seemingly abandoned him for an unknown reason. Sometimes she would try and get him to confess who had raped him – though he never did – but most of the time she would sit with him at meals, or in classes, or during free time. She had seemingly done a 180 in her attitude towards him, though she was even colder to James and Peter and even Remus, whom she'd usually got along with. But she couldn't help but blame them for some of Sirius' misery, even if it seemed that only she could see it through his façade. She was sure that if they were on better terms with him that he would be happier, and that he could pull through it easier.

Of course, she still didn't know what had happened between the four of them, but it was clear that they didn't know about someone having raped him, or surely they would've forgiven whatever it was that Sirius had done and tried to help him pull past his trauma. She had tried to convince Sirius to tell his friends, but Sirius had stubbornly refused, continuing to keep up his happy-go-lucky pretense.

But Lily knew. She knew what this was doing to him. She could see it in his gradually thinning form as he stopped eating as much as before. She saw it in the dark circles under his eyes due to lack of sleep, most likely from nightmares. She saw it every morning in his skin, reddened from harsh scrubbing in the shower. She saw it when he thought that nobody was looking – the look of despair and loneliness that would roll across his features for the briefest of moments. She knew that this was tearing him up inside, the unjustified guilt for what had happened. She had tried to explain as much as she could about this not being his fault in the slightest, but he didn't seem to even process her words. Or maybe he did, but he just ignored them, not believing them.

James seemed to get angrier as well as time went by, one part because Sirius _still _hadn't shown remorse for what he'd done – or hadn't done, as the case was. But another part was jealousy, at Lily's seemingly sudden friendship with Sirius, while she seemed to hate James even more. He couldn't explain it. He didn't know what was happening, but everything was turning upside-down. He didn't even talk with his best friend anymore, and Remus seemed even more subdued than normal. He, Remus, and Peter had even pulled a prank without him, trying to get Sirius to see what he was missing out on and feel some remorse. But Sirius had simply stared at the red-and-gold-haired professor and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "immature idiots".

A couple of weeks after The Incident, Sirius was lying by the lake when a shadow suddenly crossed over him. He looked up at the face of Remus, and was unable to stop the flinch. Thankfully, Remus didn't seem to notice as he dropped down to lie beside him.

"So you're talking to me again?" Sirius said sarcastically, wishing he would just go away.

"Can't stay mad at you forever," Remus said lightly, though there was a definite underlying sadness in his tone. "Besides, I needed to say something."

Sirius waved his hand carelessly, a motion for him to continue. He just wanted Remus to say what needed to be said and then get away from him.

"I was a werewolf for eight years before you guys found out," Remus finally started, speaking slowly as though choosing his words carefully. "Then it was another three years before you guys became Animagi to help me during transformations. That makes it eleven years of being alone every full moon – I went through a hundred and thirty-four transformations all by myself."

"Thanks for the arithmetic lesson," Sirius said dryly.

Remus ignored his comment. "I was okay during those years. Not the best, but okay. I never expected you guys to go through with your plan to help. I always expected to be alone, for the rest of my life, presumably. So…I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not mad that I was alone for the full moon."

"So why _are _you mad?" Sirius asked wearily. Why couldn't he see that he just wanted to be left alone?

"I'm not mad, Sirius," Remus told him. "More…hurt. Betrayed." _You and me both. _"It's not that I was alone. It's that _you left _me alone that hurts."

"Not following," Sirius said tonelessly, though he could kind of see what Remus was trying to say.

"James and Peter are mad that I was left alone, and I can't help that," Remus said. "But you left me alone for a _girl_. I guess I'm just hurt that you considered her to be more important than your best friends."

Sirius looked at him through almost dull eyes, and decided to hurt Remus with a fraction of how he was hurt. Nastily he said, "You're not my best friend, Remus. Neither is James, or Peter. And I wouldn't be too disappointed if I never saw you again."

Remus eyes opened wide in surprise, and then filled with hurt. "You don't mean that, Sirius."

Sirius shrugged carelessly and drove the knife in deeper. "Who would want to be friends with a werewolf, Lupin?"

Tears filled the young werewolf's eyes before his eyes narrowed and his gaze hardened. He rose quickly to his feet, and strode off back toward the castle.

Sirius sighed, pushing away the annoying guilt in his chest. Finally, he was alone.

* * *

"He said _what_?!"

James' voice echoed around their dorm room, enraged at his now _former_ best friend. How in the _world _could Sirius have said that to Remus? James knew that that was Remus' greatest fear – losing his friends because of his curse – and Sirius knew it, too. That must've been why he'd said that – it couldn't be true, but it still hurt. That was what Sirius was trying to do, was hurt him. But _why? _What had Remus done that would warrant such a horrid comment as he made?

But he pushed that to the back of his mind, focusing on the anger boiling inside of him. He paced the room, wanting to throttle the boy they had all trusted so implicitly.

"I could kill him," he seethed. "When I see him again, I'm going to _kill _the bastard!"

"No, you're not," Remus said wearily, his head in his hands as he sat on his bed. "He's your best friend, James, no matter what he says or does."

James shook his head in denial. "This was too far," he hissed. "I could've forgiven him for leaving you alone for one night seeing as how you didn't get hurt, but this time he crossed the line! I don't even care if he didn't mean it! That was just nasty to say that to you!"

"Something's wrong with him," Peter spoke up from where he sat on his own bed.

"Oh, something is _going _to be wrong with him," James said angrily, clenching his fists. "When I'm done with him, he won't even be able to…"

"Seriously," Peter insisted, interrupting him. "I saw him last night, while you guys were asleep. He was...crying."

James raised an eyebrow even as his heart clenched with worry. "Finally felt the guilt then, huh? It's about damn time!"

Peter shook his head adamantly. "No," he said. "It wasn't that kind of crying. He was real quiet, but he just looked really lonely."

"I think Peter's right, James," Remus said quietly. "I saw him a few nights ago, and he was taking a Dreamless Sleeping Potion."

"So?"

"So he's getting nightmares," Remus said patiently. "Do you really think that someone who had 'possibly the best night of [his] life' would suffer nightmares? Sounds more like he was lying through his teeth."

"I don't care _what _happened the night he left you alone, Remus!" James said furiously. "That is no excuse to act like a complete and total arse all the time! _We _didn't do anything to him, so why is he hanging out with _Evans_ now? If something had happened, he would've come to _us_, so _clearly _he's _fine_!"

"Would Sirius have become an illegal Animagus, at risk of being thrown into Azkaban for the rest of his life, if he had no interest in being friends with a werewolf?" Remus said suddenly. "Would he have even suggested the idea in the first place? Would he have tirelessly spent three _years _learning how to do so just to tell me he doesn't care? No, he wouldn't. Which means he's just being Sirius, and lashing out at first opportunity. If it'd been you who went to him, he would've said he didn't have interest in being friends with a 'blood-traitor'. If it had been Peter he would've said something about a 'half-blood'. I'm not denying that it hurt, but he didn't mean it, James. We can't hold what he said in anger or pain against him. If we did that for all of us, we wouldn't be friends."

James calmed down a bit, though he still looked angry. "He has a lot of explaining to do," he growled.

Remus stood up and laid a calming hand on his shoulder. "Wait a bit," he advised. "Let him cool down before attacking him."

"Fine," James said grudgingly. "But I'm not waiting too long, because I want the old Sirius – _my _best friend – back!"

* * *

Sirius was glad that his harsh words to Remus seemed to have had an effect on the other Marauders. He had counted on Remus going to tell James and Peter, and they would no doubt be so angry that they would leave him alone. They ignored him in class, and didn't sit with him at mealtimes. He pushed away the small hurt that came at their actions – he had wanted this, he had pushed for this. He shouldn't be upset that things were going how he planned.

But what he didn't notice were the looks being passed between the other three when he wasn't looking. They all had sad expressions on their faces, and even James looked like he really wanted to talk to Sirius. His anger had died down since he'd first heard Remus' words, leaving him worried and confused. There was still some annoyance there, but it was practically drowned out among his other emotions. But he took Remus' advice, and left him alone for a bit to calm down.

Lily, however, saw everything between the four. She watched carefully, battling internally with herself. Sirius had made her promise not to tell anyone, but...well, sometimes people just didn't know what was best for them. She didn't want him hurting anymore, but she didn't want him to find out about her having told someone – even if it was only James – and then not trust _anyone_. But...well, _someone _needed to know. He wouldn't open up to her, but he was best friends with James and Remus and Peter, so maybe it would be easier with the three of them?

_I'm not going to tell them, _she finally decided. _But the dunderheads definitely need a few hints._

* * *

James walked underneath his Invisibility Cloak, for once alone. He was going to get food after curfew from the kitchens, but Remus hadn't been interested, Peter had to finish his Charms essay (but wanted something brought back for him), and Sirius was…well, still being cold.

He walked quickly on light feet, almost tripping on the edge of it. As he stumbled a bit, he saw a slightly darker spot on the cloak. It hadn't been there last time he had used it, the day before the full moon. Sirius must have gotten something on it that night, on whatever excursion he'd gone on. Then he wrinkled his nose in disgust. He'd said he had been with a girl. If that was in fact true, then this was probably…

_Ew. _

On his _cloak_!

_Dammit, Sirius Black – you better clean this._

* * *

"Potter! Potter, wait!"

James turned at the sound of the redhead's voice. He gave her a grin, even though he wasn't feeling particularly happy.

"Alright there, Evans?" he said casually, as though he hadn't a care in the world. He waved to Remus and Peter to go on without him.

"I need to talk to you," she told him in no uncertain terms. "You too, Lupin – Pettigrew."

Surprised, the other two turned back.

"What's up?" Remus asked her. She had been cold toward them for a couple of weeks now, so why was she suddenly speaking to them again?

"Not here," she told him. "Follow me."

Even more surprised, the three of them followed her from the corridor to a patch of trees outside, away from the rest of the students. When they got there, she rounded on all of them.

"What is the _matter _with you guys?" she demanded. The three of them blinked at her, confused, so she went on, "Sirius is your best friend, and you turned on him right when he needed you guys the most!"

James' expression darkened slightly. "Oh, so this is about _Sirius_, is it?" he said sarcastically. "In that case, we better listen."

"Pull your head out of your ass, Potter," Lily snapped. "How can you guys _not _see the pain he's going through right now?"

"What pain?" Remus asked her, calmer than James while worried about Sirius.

"We saw that something was bothering him," Peter interjected, "But he won't tell us what it is."

"Probably because you three have been acting like complete and total arses for almost three weeks now!" Lily exclaimed. "I don't know or particularly care why you guys are fighting like bloody eight-year-olds, but if you guys would just open your damn eyes, you would know that whatever he's told you guys is purely to push you away so that he can 'protect' himself in the only way he knows how. So how about you act like the best friends you claim to be, and try and be there for the poor boy."

With that, Lily flounced off, leaving the three Marauders in stunned silence.

* * *

Sirius knew that his luck with the other Marauders wouldn't hold. In a way he was glad that they were trying to talk to him again, but he was also very annoyed. Also, they always tried to get to him all at once, as though they were of the "strength in numbers" mentality.

For example, only two days after his hurtful comment to Remus, he was getting ready for bed, ignoring the others as per usual, when they all came in and started asking him what was wrong, why he was shutting them out. He had made up some excuse and climbed into bed, shutting the curtains around him. He heard all of their whispers, but they didn't bother him again that night.

But they did the next morning. As soon as he got up, he realized that the other three weren't gone to breakfast like they usually were at that time, but they began asking him the same questions as the night before. He didn't even say anything, just pushing past them to get dressed. Even as they questioned him while he got ready, he didn't say anything. He was afraid if he did he would break down and tell them everything. And no matter how much he might blame Remus, he knew in his heart that it honestly hadn't been his fault. He didn't want him to feel guilt over something he had no control over.

He had enough guilt for the two of them.

* * *

James and Remus sat together in Divination, though neither listened to the teacher, which was odd for Remus. But he was more concerned with the issue of Sirius to worry about star alignment foretelling the future.

"I think the issue is that we keep pretty much attacking him all at once," Remus told him. "Maybe if there was just one of us..."

James nodded. "Okay. I'll talk to him tonight."

But Remus was shaking his head. "You guys are too much alike. It would probably end in an argument and you'd push him that much farther away."

James nodded reluctantly. "I suppose. Okay, you ask him what the issue is today – we can talk about it later tonight."

Remus nodded and glanced over to Sirius, who sat alone, taking notes.

_I just want things to go back to normal, _Remus thought miserably, not knowing that Sirius was thinking the exact same thing at that very moment.

* * *

**So...does this merit a review? Cuz it's about to get good...:D**


	4. They Get a Clue

**WARNING: Possible triggers! There will be blood!**

**Now that that's out of the way...please enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

**_"There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds."  
― Laurell K. Hamilton_**

* * *

There's something so infinitely beautiful about red over white. That's what Sirius thinks as he stares at the blood flowing in rivulets down his forearm. The porcelain skin underneath looks so perfect, flawless, and then with the crimson droplets flowing down like tears and pooling at the crook in his elbow before falling to the bed sheets, it's something like out of a painting. Perfect, complete, meant to be there.

He hadn't meant to hurt himself. No, he hadn't taken to cutting. But he'd rolled over on one of his potion bottles in his sleep and somehow, it had broken into shards. He hadn't noticed when he got up that morning, but then again he was a bit preoccupied keeping the other three out of his head, not allowing their words to penetrate and break through his barriers. But now, with everyone else down at dinner, he'd gone to bed early, wearing only a pair of pajama pants. But, when he lied down, his arm had been pressed to the biggest piece of glass broken off from the bottle, and when he lifted the arm, the glass embedded in it had dragged downward a couple of inches before falling back out and to the bed.

But now he couldn't stop staring at it. There were a couple of tiny pieces of glass stuck in a couple of smaller cuts, but that only seemed to add to the beauty as the dim lighting caught it just right. He touched the ruby red blood with the forefinger of his other hand, dragging it downward across the previously untouched skin. Smooth…like a china doll.

Now, though, it wasn't as breathtaking. Now, the skin was dirtied and flawed, no longer the perfect image it had been, the perfect river of opaque scarlet. He smeared some of the blood over some of the other light skin on his arm, not even wincing when he unintentionally shoved a shard of glass deeper into his arm. He didn't feel it. He felt…numb.

_Am I really reduced to this? _He thought distantly. _Am I really so fascinated over this blood like a common cutter?_

The thought frustrated him. He didn't want to bleed anymore. His arse had bled, and his heart had bled even more. Now it was his arm. He was sick of it. He just wanted it to stop. He didn't want these imperfections, these flaws tore down his wholeness.

Furiously, not quite thinking correctly, he brushed his entire palm over his arm, trying to wipe the blood off. A shard dragged itself down his arm before falling out near his wrist. But that only made more blood, and the bigger cut was still flowing steadily. He wiped it again, smearing more blood on his arm and on his hands. He felt a tear trail from his eye and furiously wiped it away. He was _not _weak – he should _not _be crying. He wiped ever more forcefully on his bloodied arm, but it just wouldn't disappear. It smeared, dripped to the bed, trailed down his arm faster. He scrubbed harder, a buzz beginning to fill his ears as he lost himself in frustration and helplessness.

* * *

James went back to the dorm early, telling Remus and Peter he'd see them when they went to bed. He wasn't in the mood to study with them and do homework before bed – he just wanted to collapse. It had been exhausting, all day long, to worry about Sirius but have to give him some space and leave him alone. He just wanted Sirius to be his happy self again, even if he chose to never speak to them again. He didn't want his best friend hurting.

James tiredly pushed the door to the dorm open, expecting to find it empty, but instead he was shocked to see Sirius sitting on his bed, in a pool of his own blood, and blood tracking its way down his arm.

* * *

"SIRIUS!"

Sirius was startled by James' voice shouting behind him, at the door. It broke through his haze, but his brain was still confused and upset, so he didn't even have the presence of mind to move his arm away as James crossed the room in two long strides and took firm hold of his wrists, keeping him from spreading any more blood.

"Sirius Black, what the _bloody_ _hell_ do you think you're doing?!" he sounded angry. He sounded very angry, but at the moment Sirius was only concerned with one thing as the tears began to fall from his eyes.

"Make it stop," he whispered brokenly. "Make it go away."

"Sirius, _cutting_ is _not _the answer!" James exclaimed, though the anger was beginning to fade, his worry beginning to show through. "This is just the easy way out – it's not right; it's _not_ okay!"

"I just want to stop bleeding," Sirius said softly, his voice breaking at the last word. "Make it stop, Prongs. Please make it go away." More tears tracked their way down his face, dripping off his jaw.

It was then that James saw the broken potion bottle, and he realized that it had been an accident – all of the blood, that is. He was relieved that he apparently wasn't trying to hurt himself or kill himself, but the breakdown that came afterward…that was still worrisome. Seeing the blood, feeling the pain, _something _must have set off his best friend that made him break down and freak out like he had. Something was making him desperate to get rid of the blood now up to his elbows, some smeared on his torso, a stripe on his cheek.

Without another word, James took out his wand and cast a quick healing charm on the cuts on his arms. He was unnerved by how many cleaning charms followed to clear all of the blood, but he couldn't allow himself to think about that. He _accio_'d a Blood Replenishing Potion from his trunk – something he always kept after a prank gone bad in third year – and gave it to Sirius as he got rid of the broken potion bottle.

After he'd finished, Sirius was still sitting Indian style on the bed, staring at his lap as soft shudders quaked through his frame and his eyes spilled tears freely. The empty potion vial was clenched in his hands, but he didn't seem to even notice. A bit hesitantly, James sat next to him on the bed, draping an arm about his shoulders. Sirius willingly leaned into the embrace, sobs breaking freely from his mouth. James felt his heart tear at it – he'd never seen Sirius so…_broken_. He was supposed to be the happiest one of the Marauders, the most carefree of the four of them. He'd supposed that Sirius' distance from them would pass soon, but looking at him now, Lily's words rang in his ears.

_How can you guys _not_ see the pain he's going through right now?_

That was it. Sirius was in pain. He was lost, and he had been trying to get through it on his own. Suddenly James felt even more horrible for being so aloof with Sirius since the full moon. Sure, it had been completely insensitive of him to be with a girl that night, but nothing had happened, and in the grand scheme of things, did it really matter? No one was hurt, and Sirius had probably forgotten about the full moon. Hard thing to do, considering, but…

Wait a minute.

_I don't know or particularly care why you guys are fighting like bloody eight-year-olds, but if you guys would just open your damn eyes, you would know that whatever he's told you guys is purely to push you away so that he can 'protect' himself in the only way he knows how._

Lily's voice rang through his head again, and he realized what she had meant. Sirius hadn't been with a girl that night. That was a front. So something had happened to Sirius to _prevent_ him from going to help out Moony, and he didn't want to tell them about it. That probably meant he was embarrassed by whatever had happened. But why would he be embarrassed by something probably as simple as Snivellus beating him in a duel or Malfoy catching him unawares with a hex?

He wouldn't, James realized. Not to this extent. He wouldn't have kept up his façade for three _weeks_.

James began to feel a cold knot of dread coiling in the pit of his stomach as a suspicion floated across his mind. Sirius' actions in the past couple of weeks drifted through his head – the emptiness in his eyes, the now rare smiles, the way the smile didn't light up his face like it used to, the redness on his skin every morning at breakfast, the lack of appetite, the dark circles under his eyes during classes, now the words "make it go away" as he panicked at the blood on his arms, the sobs being ripped from his throat even now, his defeated form as he leaned on James for support…

He finished his mental checklist with a heavy heart, and his heart pounded faster as he came to an awful conclusion. Now he just needed Sirius to confirm it.

* * *

Sirius didn't realize that he was crying so relentlessly until his sobs began to make his breath hitch. It became hard to breathe, so he tried to calm himself down as James rubbed soothing circles on his back, not saying anything for the moment. Sirius was grateful for this. He already felt so much better than he had minutes before, when he was alone amid his blood and depressing thoughts. It just felt so good to have his best friend hugging him at that moment that the worries that had been tightening his chest for almost three weeks now began to ease, just slightly, allowing him to breathe.

"Padfoot…" Something in James' voice betrayed what he was going to ask, but Sirius couldn't bring himself to care at that moment. Not enough to brush it aside or pretend it wasn't there, anyway. He waited for James to ask his question, just sitting in James' warm embrace. He didn't want this to disappear.

"Did…the night of the full moon…did…did someone…?"

It seemed difficult for James to go on, so Sirius hesitated a moment before simply nodding. His wracking sobs had faded, but helpless, hurt tears still streaked down his face.

"Oh, God," James voice shook and he tightened his grip on Sirius. "Oh…God…" He seemed incapable of saying anything else for several moments. Then he pulled away from Sirius, but only to sit in front of him. His hands moved to grasp Sirius' as he looked straight into Sirius' eyes. Sirius was confused to see tears trailing from James' eyes.

"And we've been right bastards to you," James breathed in realization. "And all this time…you've been dealing with _this_…_alone_…God, I am _so_ sorry!"

Sirius shook his head, feeling almost detached from his body as he said, "I didn't want you guys to know. I didn't want...I didn't..." He trailed off and looked at his hands, still clenched in James' own.

"That's no excuse," James said strongly. "We're your best friends! We should've seen that something was wrong! All this time, we thought you were just being a git and getting it on with some Hufflepuff or something, and…you were…" Fresh tears escaped his eyes and he bowed his head. "I'm _so_ sorry, Sirius…I, at least, should've seen that…that _something_ wasn't…wasn't right…"

"You…you can't tell anyone," Sirius said, the words getting choked in his throat as a fresh wave of tears engulfed him. Remus' face flashed through his mind, then Moony's, and his heart sped up in nervousness and something else he couldn't quite identify.

James shook his head. "I won't," he agreed. "I wouldn't want this spreading around school if it was me, either." Sirius bowed his head in relief and gratitude. He was so understanding. He realized, yet again, how lucky he was that he was his best friend.

James continued, "Look, Padfoot. Remus and Peter and I can help you get through this. I know it's not going to – "

But Sirius' head had snapped up at the mention of Remus, and he cut him off, "I said you can't tell _anyone_, James!" There was a definite note of desperation in his voice, and he was sure that James had caught it, based on the confused expression on his face.

"But Remus and Peter…"

"They _can't _find out!" Sirius insisted, the image of Moony's cock flashing through his mind, and he shuddered involuntarily.

James narrowed his eyes in suspicion and concern. "Siri – "

"_No_," Sirius maintained. An involuntary sob escaped his throat. "No," he continued in a whisper. "No more than you and Lily know. I want it to stay that way."

"Lily…?" James' eyes widened as realization struck him. That was why she had been acting the way that she had. She had probably thought that they knew what had happened to him and were purposely being hurtful. And of course, she knew that Sirius would need friendship, so that's why she had stuck by him. He didn't think it was possible, but he somehow felt even worse after this revelation.

"_Please_, Prongs," Sirius' plea brought him back to the present, to see Sirius' sad grey eyes begging him to do as he wished.

Finally, James nodded, albeit reluctantly. He didn't understand, but Sirius needed support right now – not someone pushing him to agree to something he obviously didn't want to agree to. He saw relief flood every inch of Sirius' face and felt his heart breaking again before he moved to sit beside him again, holding him in a warm hug. That was apparently the signal that he could start crying again, because a moment later James felt his shoulders shaking as he tried to keep quiet. He reflexively tightened his hold, trying to offer some sense of comfort.

"Who was it?" James asked him the question that had been eating at him ever since he figured out what had happened.

But Sirius shook his head, and muttered, "It doesn't matter – just leave it, James."

"It _does _matter," James insisted, trying to keep his anger at bay. "_No one_ is allowed to hurt my best friend, and I'd like to rip the balls off of whoever did this to you!"

Sirius chuckled, though it sounded more defeated and sad than humorous. "That's exactly what Lily said."

"Well, it's _true_!" James stressed, knowing that Sirius wasn't quite getting it. "You're my best friend; I care about you, and I want to rip apart _anyone_ who has the _audacity_ to – "

Suddenly James was cut off by something warm and wet touching his lips, pressing against them. He froze, surprised, his brain catching up to him and telling him that Sirius was kissing him. Sirius…was _kissing_ him.

He didn't even have time to process the fact properly before the lips were gone, and Sirius was staring at him with wide eyes, now pulled out of and away from his embrace. James was sure that he didn't look much different as far as astonishment went. He closed his mouth when he realized that it was hanging open in shock.

"I'm so sorry," Sirius said in a rush, heat coloring his cheeks in embarrassment. He scooted backwards several inches from James, as though by keeping distance they would forget about the incident. "God, James…I'm…I'm so sorry, I didn't mean…!"

James broke out of his shock as he said hesitantly, "Padfoot…I love ya man, but…not like that. I mean, you're my best mate, but…not anything more than that."

Sirius nodded quickly. "I know. I know. I don't know why I just…I don't even feel like that – not about you."

"I mean, I like girls," James said, trying his best to be sensitive to spare his friend's feelings. "I like Lily."

Sirius nodded rapidly again, face still red. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm…I'm gay – at least I think I am – but I never thought about _you_ like…I'm sorry, I just…you were talking and…"

Understanding came to James as Sirius stumbled awkwardly over his words, fumbling with his hands. Sirius had been deprived of comfort for too long now – whether it was his choice or not – and then his best friend was hugging him and wanting to defend him, so it made sense to love him for that. Sirius had just mistakened it as sexual feelings – not friendship. And maybe, after having been raped, that made a bit more sense.

"It's okay, Sirius," James assured him, scooting closer to create less distance between them. "I get it – it just…surprised me, a bit." He forced a wry smile onto his face, pretty positive that it was convincing. "Don't worry – I won't tell anyone, and I don't hate you for it."

Sirius looked at him for a few moments, trying to detect if he was telling a lie, and then relaxed when he saw only truth and sincerity in his best friend. He leaned forward and gave James a hug, glad when James returned it.

"Thanks, Prongs," he said quietly, and James knew that he was talking about everything that had happened in the past ten minutes.

"It's not a problem, Padfoot," James said, absently rubbing his hand between his friend's shoulder blades in a comforting gesture. "You come to me when you need _anything_, yeah? I'll always listen."

Sirius nodded and tried to discreetly wipe away another tear that escaped. But this time it was a tear of gratitude for his best friend.

* * *

Remus walked under the Invisibility Cloak, doing his prefect duties after other students' curfews. It was always easier to do it under the cloak, because then students still out doing who knows what didn't see him coming. If they heard something, they assumed it was the ghosts or portraits or something equally insignificant as far as getting caught went.

He crinkled his nose yet again as a smell assaulted his nose – it was almost like the smell he had smelled in James' trunk a few weeks before. It was a musky sort of sweetness with just a tinge of bitterness. He had smelled it when he had shook out the cloak, and assumed it was a potion of some sort that had spilled. Now he wondered if it was a stink bomb of some sort, because now the smell was a lot stronger down one of the darker corridors on the fifth floor.

He sighed in exasperation. He had warned James that if he ever caught him when it was him on duty and not the other prefect, he would give him detention. Now he had set off a bomb in a dark corridor where no one even was – what was the point of that, anyway? – and he hadn't even warned him so that he could leave that corridor for last, when he was done.

_Well, he deserves detention, _he thought with a sigh as he turned to go down the corridor. _Besides, why make a stink bomb that doesn't even really stink? Not that it's good like a candle, but it's not as good as Dungbombs. Idiot._

Soon the smell got so overpowering that Remus was sure that it added thickness to the air. He felt like he was breathing it in. The smell was coming from behind a closed door. He checked the handle and found it locked, but a quick _Alohomora _fixed that. After removing the cloak and casting a quick _Lumos_, he opened the door and stepped in.

James' name died on his lips when he saw a couple of fourth year Ravenclaws break apart from their passionate kiss and grab the clothes they had dropped to the ground.

Remus barely registered what was going on as he almost mechanically assigned them detentions and sent them back to their dorms. He was lost in worried thoughts, suspicion clouding his mind. After they had left, he went over to where the two had been lying down. He saw what he was looking for – a bit of whitish-clear fluid, partially dried after being exposed to the air. He squatted down over it and inhaled deeply, being sure to process the smell.

_Cum._

He couldn't believe he hadn't recognized the scent as soon as it wafted over him that night after the full moon. He'd come upon enough people so far in his prefect duties that he knew the scent fairly well. And now he knew that the scent wafting from James' trunk had in fact been on the Invisibility Cloak…and it was the night after the full moon when he first smelled it…when Sirius had had it the night before…and now there was…

He felt cold dread seeping down his spine at the realization. He knew, especially after what Lily said to confirm it, that Sirius hadn't been with a girl that night of the full moon. And Sirius wasn't the type to wank by himself, so that was out. Plus, the smell on the cloak was different than Sirius' smell. Sirius smelled more fruity than musky, but the smell on the cloak was so familiar...

He stood up abruptly and exited the room in fast steps. Screw his duties for tonight. He had to talk to Sirius.

* * *

When Remus got back to the common room, he found James up on the sofa in front of the fire, waiting for him. No one else was around, so Remus felt it safe to share his suspicions with one of his best friends.

"James," Remus breathed, not seeing the odd expression on James' face, "I think I just found something about Sirius."

"I already talked to him, Remus," James sighed, rubbing a hand over his eyes as Remus came to stand above him.

"You did?" Remus said quickly, dropping down to sit next to him. "What did you say? What did _he _say? Did you make it worse?"

"He told me what happened," James said, his voice sounding hollow and his eyes distant, not focusing on anything.

"What did he say?" Remus asked, heart pounding.

"He said I can't tell anyone," James said after a moment, and only then met Remus' eyes. "He made me promise. Not even you or Peter."

Remus blinked, a wave of hurt descending over him at the realization that Sirius wanted to shut him out. It hurt worse than when he'd thought he'd been abandoned for a girl, and that surprised him. Then he realized by the look on James' face that _James _didn't intend on filling him in either. If possible, the hurt went deeper.

"James…" Remus started, sounding hurt and a little breathless as he tried to overcome his feelings.

"I don't want to break his trust," James whispered, looking at his hands. "I'm sorry, Moony. But…Lily was right. He's in pain."

"He's…" Remus swallowed, worried about Sirius. "What sort of…?"

"He's so broken right now, Moony," James said quietly. "After his Sirius-mask was gone…" He shook his head. "The last time I saw him like that was when he finally told us about what his parents did to him, after he ran away. But this time, it was worse."

Remus swallowed. He hadn't been there when Sirius had confessed everything to James the first time, but he had seen Sirius' expression when he relayed it to them all after they got back to Hogwarts. James had told him later that he had been putting on a brave front, and Remus had snorted in disbelief. He had seen the struggle Sirius had been through, smelled the nervousness on him, and he had thought that Sirius couldn't possibly have looked less like himself than he had then. But now, James was saying it was worse. And James was basing it off the first time Sirius had told him, the night he arrived in Godric's Hollow.

"Poor Padfoot…" Remus whispered to himself.

"Try and be sensitive with him for a bit," James advised, wearily rising to his feet. "Don't push him too hard, or he might break. But don't…don't act like he's broken glass, either. That'll hurt him more than it will help him."

Remus nodded, staring into the fire. He felt immensely guilty, but he wasn't sure why. Sure, it had happened the night of the full moon, apparently – whatever _It _was – and he had no control over _being _a werewolf, but he still couldn't get rid of his enormous feelings of shame and remorse. He wasn't quite sure what to make of it, but he hated it. He could almost feel something growling deep inside of him, ready to tear him apart, and he had to fight the urge to flinch.

"James," Remus suddenly said, turning on the couch to see James opening the door to the dormitories. "I had your cloak tonight," he started, not sure how else to begin.

James nodded. "Yeah. I know…"

"There's cum on it, James," Remus said quietly, watching his friend's expression to see how he would react. "It doesn't smell like you…or Sirius…or Peter."

James face had paled a bit, but his eyes were still fixed on Remus', so Remus pressed on, "He wasn't...?" He swallowed. "...was he?"

James, of course, knew what he meant. The expression on his face was enough of an answer for Remus – and he could almost hear the pounding heartbeat across the room. He nodded slowly, processing the information.

"Oh, God…" he whispered, a suspicious stinging forming behind his eyes. He blinked quickly several times, enough to see the heartbroken expression on the other boy's face.

"Yeah…" James softly whispered, but Remus didn't hear; he had already turned back to the fire to try and fully process the information. The guilt in him intensified, along with something he couldn't quite place. It was almost…morbid excitement. Not happy exactly, but…like he was expecting something else to happen after all of this.

"Hey, Moony." James' voice brought him back to the present. Remus looked over at him to see him still standing at the door to the dormitories with the door open, one foot in and one foot out as he looked back at him. He looked somber as he said quietly, "You coming?"

Remus slowly shook his head and looked away. "I'll see you later, Prongs," he muttered, just loud enough for James to hear him. With a small sigh to himself, James retreated back up to the dorms, door clicking softly beside him, and leaving Remus to stare into the fire. Both of them were unaware of the wolf inside Remus, much closer to the surface than usual as it sensed its need to get out.

* * *

**Yes! They got a clue! Anyone else glad about that? Review! Let me know! **


	5. Et tu, Brute?

**So if you read the oneshot that I put up a couple of days ago, you saw about my issues with updating...but if not, here it is: **

**Basically, my entire storage card that had this completed fic on it was wiped clean - some issue with my computer not recognizing it, blah blah blah. I couldn't save ****_any _****of the files on it (grr...) and I didn't copy my fic into the Doc Manager, so basically I lost the last seven chapters. (Or six, I can't remember...) Then because of where this fic was at, I wasn't too motivated to type out the next chapter, because compared to the rest of the story, this chapter is really just the boring one that is unfortunately necessary to bridge two parts together. So, I do have the rest of the fic all in my head, it's just the typing it out part that's the issue. So, the chapters will probably come slower now than they did at first, because when I posted the first chapter I had already finished the entire thing so it wasn't too hard to just post a chapter every couple of days. But, not now.**

**Anyhoo, I'm babbling, and I'm sure you won't to get to the chapter you've been waiting so patiently for! Hope you enjoy! :)**

* * *

_**"The worst pain in the world goes beyond the physical. Even further beyond any other emotional pain one can feel. It is the betrayal of a friend."  
― Heather Brewer, **_**Ninth Grade Slays**

* * *

Sirius knew, as soon as he saw Remus the next morning, that he had found out about what had happened to him. Sirius felt slightly annoyed at James – he had never been good at keeping secrets – but he found he couldn't blame him too much. Remus had always been observant – and persuasive – so in all honesty, Sirius hadn't really expected it to remain a secret for too long. He just wished that it was a bit longer, so that he could have a bit more time processing that his best friend had actually found out. Not the whole story of course, but enough for Sirius. He didn't intend for _anyone _to _ever _find out about who had done it…let alone that that someone had been in wolf form on the full moon and not in his fully right mind.

But it also felt like some weight had been lifted off of Sirius' chest, after James and Remus had finally found out. Peter was still as clueless as always, but Sirius didn't really care about Peter. He'd clumped Peter together with Remus in who couldn't find out the night before only so that James wouldn't get suspicious.

And, with some of the weight gone, Sirius felt almost content as he drizzled hot sauce and sprinkles on his toast at breakfast. He hadn't been able to escape sitting next to Remus at that meal, but that didn't matter at the moment. He mainly ignored him as he munched on his toast, and Remus didn't try too hard to strike up a conversation, sensing his need to be quiet at the moment.

As the four of them walked to Charms that afternoon, Sirius felt almost happy again, sure that he was going to get over all of this – and he would even remain friends with James, Peter, and maybe even Remus. He walked beside James, Remus on the other side of James, and Peter just a step behind Sirius and James, as though trying to include himself in the line of them walking down the hallway.

Sirius had no one on his right side, so it was easy for a certain Slytherin to walk by and whisper so only he could hear:

"It's not rape if you like it, isn't it, Black?"

Sirius' head jerked up to look at Lucius Malfoy, a seventh year, with his own cousin Narcissa Black following along. Malfoy smirked at him and continued on his way.

Sirius' heart pounded painfully fast as he stared at the back of that too-perfect white-blond hair as the older boy sauntered away. Malfoy couldn't know…he _couldn't know _that he'd been…used…he _couldn't_. James and Remus and Lily were the only ones who had known, so who had told the slimy git?

"Yeah," a voice suddenly said next to him. "I'll bet you just _loved _taking it like the _whore_ you are."

Sirius jerked his head to look at Bellatrix Black, who smirked at him and sauntered away after her sister and her sister's boyfriend.

He hadn't even realized that James had heard his bitch of a cousin, but a moment later, James shouted a curse and Bellatrix was blasted through the air and slammed against the ground several feet away.

Sirius didn't even wait to see what curse James had fired. He stared at his supposed best friends, stunned, and then met Remus' stricken gaze. Remus opened his mouth, but Sirius just shook his head, tears biting the corners of his eyes.

"I trusted you," he whispered, and then turned and ran away, ignoring the others' calls behind him.

* * *

Sirius was alone in the hallway – for once – and he had a stony look on his face. It was an hour after the confrontation in the hallway, so he knew the others would still be in Charms. He had stopped crying at least half an hour ago, so his eyes were only slightly puffy. He hadn't even cried too much, anyway – he felt too spent to let more than a few tears out.

He heard soft steps behind him, and for a moment he thought that it was Remus. But when he turned with a glare on his face, he saw that it was the last person he wanted or expected to see: Severus Snape. His glare changed to a scowl.

"What do you want, Snivellus?"

But the Slytherin didn't rise to the bait. "I heard an interesting thing today," he said conversationally. "Normally I don't listen to Gryffindorks such as yourself, but this conversation I found particularly interesting."

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned to walk away, and just ignore the arrogant prat. But Snape only quickened his steps so that he walked alongside him.

"You see, it seems that a Slytherin was spending the night with a _Gryffindor _last night," he continued. "She has bad taste, really, but she's only a third year. She doesn't know what she wants just yet."

Sirius rolled his eyes again. "Are you trying to update me on the Slytherin girls' sexual preferences?" he said sarcastically. "How very chummy of you."

It was the Slytherin's turn to roll his eyes, but he didn't say anything about the comment directly. Instead, he said, "She was going to sneak out during the night, and was walking down to the common room when she heard two fifth-year boys talking. And she heard their entire conversation, and decided to share the contents of that conversation with her dorm mates the next morning. By lunchtime, all of the Slytherins knew, and it won't be long before the rest of the school knows, too."

Sirius stopped and stared at him. "Are you trying to tell me that a Slytherin girl heard a conversation she knows nothing about and is now telling everyone that I was raped?"

Snape shrugged. "That's about it, yeah."

Sirius began to feel the stirrings of anger in his chest – for the girl, for Snape, for _Moony _– he wanted someone else to feel angry too, and take away his own anger.

"Well, she's _wrong_!" he said hotly. "I'm a _guy _– guys don't _get _raped!"

Snape looked at him incredulously, and with that was slight anger. "Of course they do, Black," he retorted. "And whether it's true or not, that's what everyone's going to think by breakfast tomorrow. So unless you want everyone to think that it _is _true, and _isn't _just a rumor, I'd suggest you pull out that Slytherin side of you and slap on a mask."

"'_Slytherin_ _side'_?" Sirius hissed, anger rising. "In case you hadn't noticed, I was sorted into Gryffindor because I _belong _there! I'm not like the rest of you pureblood bigots, and I don't intend to be!"

Snape's face grew only more annoyed at these words. "I'm not saying you need to be prejudiced!" he said in a clipped tone. "But just use your brain _for once _– and I _know _you have one – and make-believe that nothing happened, because right now anyone could see it!"

Right then Sirius wasn't even completely aware of what he was saying. He just wanted Snape to get angry, and keep arguing with him, because right then it just felt _so good _– sofreeing.

"And I suppose _you_ would know all about masks then, _wouldn't_ you?" he retorted. "Can't have anyone thinking that you're _really _just a weak-bodied, feeble-minded, pathetic little boy just barely above a squib. But then your mask was never too great anyway, so why should I take _your _advice?"

Snape's face reddened in anger and he snapped, "I guess you shouldn't take my advice, because coming to think about it, you already _have_. Apparently I'm the only one that can see the _Slytherin_ who you really are. You don't belong in Gryffindor – you're just a manipulative, arrogant bastard who wouldn't know the first thing about bravery and courage. You'd sell out a friend to save your arse, just like the rest of the Slytherins!"

Sirius' anger grew in tenfold, and he spat out before he could stop to think, "Yeah? Is _that_ what you think? You're the one always trying to find out where we go every month, so here's what. Tomorrow night, go to the Whomping Willow. There's a knot at the base of the tree – push it and go down the hole at the trunk, and you'll see just how much of a Gryffindor I really am when you see what's down there."

Snape's face became suspicious. "What _is _down there, Black?" he demanded.

Sirius smirked arrogantly and turned to walk away. "That's for you to find out."

* * *

Snape sat at dinner the next night, working things over in his brain. He could go…but that would mean believing what Black had said, and _following _it. Maybe it was a trap…but it didn't seem like it. He saw the moment the boy had snapped, becoming almost completely unaware of what he was saying. That meant that Black had probably blurted out a secret that he was never supposed to.

He smirked into his goblet as he took a sip of the pumpkin juice. Well, he was a Slytherin. He was _supposed _to find out others' secrets and then use them for his own benefit. He was really just doing his duty to his House by doing what Black had said.

And there was nothing wrong with that. It's not like he would _die_…right?

* * *

**Moony POV**

Moon.

Power.

Scent.

Alone.

Angry.

Unfamiliar.

Intruder.

Danger.

Protect.

_Attack._

* * *

James was furious. This was worse than the fury of when he had found Moony alone the month before. He could not _believe _that Sirius had been so _stupid_. There was no excuse for this now – there was never an excuse for telling anyone – let alone _Snape _– how to get past the Whomping Willow and therefore reveal Remus' secret. Besides the fact that Sirius had endangered _Snape's _life, he had endangered Remus', too!

If Remus had killed Snape, or infected him, the Ministry would've gotten involved. And, in the very best case scenario, Remus' would've been expelled from school and outed as a werewolf to the general Wizarding population, opening himself to prejudice and persecution for the rest of his life. He'd never have a steady job, would always be poor and looking for food and housing, never making any long-lasting friends…all in all, his life would be fucked up.

James remembered when Remus had woken up the next day in the hospital wing, and he'd told Remus what had happened. The wolf had become angry and violent the night before, having lost the prey _so close _to him, and Prongs had had to leave so that he didn't get maimed. Moony'd been locked inside the Shack again, all night long, clawing at the house – and when that didn't work, himself – in a desperate bid to draw blood and escape. The result was a _very_ bloodied Remus Lupin, who would definitely be left with more scars marring his body.

He remembered the hurt look in Remus' eyes when he'd found out that Sirius was the reason for the condition he was in, and the fear before Dumbledore assured him that Snape would be keeping his secret and to go about his business as usual. The headmaster had already spoken with Sirius and there would be severe repercussions for him, though the man didn't disclose exactly _what _those repercussions would be.

Then, when the fear had gone, came the anger. James saw the fury in Remus' eyes that matched – if not surpassed – his own. And Remus had told him, in no uncertain terms, that as soon as Madame Pomfrey released him, they were going to have a little _chat _with Sirius Black.

And as James looked on at the unabated rage in Remus' normally kind, soft eyes, he couldn't help but shiver on behalf of Sirius. Whatever Remus was planning was not going to be pretty, and James _so _wanted to participate in whatever his plan was.

* * *

**So...review? :) It would very much make my day...you KNOW you want to...;)**


	6. Questions Finally Answered

**Hey, guys! Guess what?! By pure coincidence, I found the fic that inspired this one! So, to give this person her due, here it is!: "Two Prayers" by rhyejess…I don't even remember how I came across it the first time, let alone now, but it just popped up when I was reading other fics! So go check it out – it's definitely shorter and Sirius has a much different reaction than I put in here, but I like it!**

**And, because I found it, I read it again – because it's just that awesome – and I decided to type out the next chapter for TUI! Hope you guys enjoy, 'cause this one's craaayy-ZEE! :)**

* * *

_**"When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives." **_  
_**― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones**_

* * *

Sirius avoided the Marauders for two days. He never went back to the dorms, and he'd taken the map so that they couldn't find him. He spent most of his time in the Room of Requirement, glad that it was the weekend so that it wouldn't be too noticeable to the other teachers that he was avoiding everyone. At nights he would just roam the castle, though he always checked the map that there was no one around to catch him.

He felt so guilty at what he'd done, no matter how hard he tried to push the feeling away. He _knew _he shouldn't have gotten angry at Snape, but it was just so hard knowing that no one else could possibly know what he was feeling. Oh, he wasn't so vain to think that he was the only one in the castle to have ever been raped, but he was sure that no one else had been raped by their best friend in their wolf form on the full moon. And he just wanted to make people angry – it was like he thought that if others were angry, it was okay for him to be angry. And he knew that James would be royally pissed off, and Peter too because James was, and Remus…he wasn't sure about Remus. Would he be hurt or enraged?

He shook thoughts of Remus away – that wasn't helping anything. He didn't want to think about _any _of his friends, let alone the one he had wronged so much, and who had wronged _him _so much, too. Remus still wasn't even aware of him having been the one to have raped him the night of the full moon…and Sirius intended to keep it that way.

Early Monday morning – around three o' clock – Sirius finally sighed and got up from the couch he sat on in the Room of Requirement. He needed to get some new clothes – he'd been wearing these since Friday. He figured that the other three Marauders would still be asleep, and he could get out before they woke up.

He crept quietly through the hallways, checking the map and making sure no one else was roaming about. Finally he got to the common room, and went up the stairs to the fifth year boys' dormitory. Opening the door silently, he quickly slipped in and shut the door behind him.

He turned around, and then stopped short. James was sitting up in bed, curtains drawn open, staring at him. Sirius' heart thumped painfully fast when he saw the anger lurking just beneath the surface of his friend's hazel orbs.

"It's about time you showed up," James said, almost in a hiss. Sirius looked at the other beds and saw that Remus was also wide awake, staring at him, and Peter was groggily pushing himself to sit up.

"Needed some clothes," Sirius said, surprised at himself when his voice came out steady. "But I can just come back later."

"Oh, no you don't," James snapped, throwing himself out of bed. Sirius took a step back, but James got up to stand right in front of him. Remus and Peter followed behind, Remus looking hurt and angry and Peter looking…well, tired.

"Why did you do it?" James hissed. "Why the _bloody hell _did you tell Snape to go down to see Moony when he was transformed?"

Sirius glared and said smoothly, "Why _shouldn't_ he see what monsters werewolves are?"

_Whack!_

James' backhand caught Sirius in the mouth, snapping his head back and making him stumble a couple of steps backward. Sirius touched his lip, and it came away bloody. He felt his stomach do a weird little flip at the sight, and he had to forcefully tear his eyes away to glare at the other three.

"Don't you _ever _say that about Remus again, Sirius Black!" James said, eyes blazing in fury. "I don't care if you don't mean it and you're using it to cover up whatever other secrets you're keeping from us, but whatever the reason, it's _not okay_!"

"What's wrong with speaking the truth?" Sirius countered. "Moony is a dominating alpha who takes whatever he wants, and doesn't care if it hurts others in the process. That sounds like a monster to me!" He was horrified to discover that his eyes were stinging again with tears, and quickly blinked them back before the others noticed.

Remus pulled James back before he could punch Sirius again, keeping his eyes fixed on the silver-eyed boy.

"What are you talking about?" he said evenly. "What do you mean, 'takes whatever he wants'?"

"Nothing," Sirius said quickly, worried that Remus was working it out in his head. "I didn't mean anything by it."

"Not what it sounded like to me!" James snarled, hands clenched into fists at his sides. "I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but just because someone hurt you last month doesn't mean you can try and hurt everyone else around you! That makes you just as bad as any Slytherin!"

At the last sentence, Sirius' face completely closed off, and his face became blank and emotionless. "Well, the Sorting Hat placed me in the wrong house," he said tonelessly. "I only got into Gryffindor because I _asked _it to put me there. I don't have any qualities that would suggest I belong here."

"Don't say that!" Remus snapped, and grabbed Sirius' shoulders to keep his attention. He was about to say more when Sirius yelped and tried to pull back. Remus pulled his hands away like they'd been burned, staring at Sirius with wide eyes, not knowing what caused the Animagus to react like he had.

"Don't…" Sirius said in a slightly breathless, fearful voice. "Don't…not like that…"

Unbeknownst to the other three, as soon as Remus had grabbed his shoulders, he'd been thrown into a flashback. Moony, pinning him down, flipping him over, lifting him up, pain – he was being split in half. Fur, sweat, trapped, suffocating; the werewolf thrust quickly in and out, making him feel like he was being ripped apart over and over again. Blood, warmth, pain, no control, surrounded by dark and fur and terror and then lightning shot through him as the werewolf violently came deep inside him with a feral, possessive growl…

He blinked quickly to get rid of the horrific images in his head, and saw the others staring at him in slight confusion, though the anger was still there. He looked at Remus and saw the eyes – so soon after the full moon, they still had that almost-gold wolf-like quality as the wolf backed down to go back to sleep for the month. He was sure that Remus' eyes weren't normally so gold after the full moon, but it was much too reminiscent of the wolf's eyes glowing before he was violated so harshly. He felt his breath hitch in his chest, and Remus' eyebrows crinkled in confusion and worry when he noticed.

"Sirius…" he said hesitantly and a bit slowly. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Sirius shook his head. "I can't, I can't…it's nothing…" he muttered. "I'll just…I've gotta go!" he could feel the panic rising him, being so close to the werewolf – he couldn't let them find out!

He backed up several steps, going toward the door, but James grabbed his wrist before he could make it. Without even stopping to think about what he was doing, Sirius reared back and punched James square in the jaw.

In moments, James had pushed him to the ground and straddled his hips to keep him from going anywhere, holding his wrists on either side of his head so that he wasn't at risk of getting punched.

"What the _hell_, Padfoot!" James yelled. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you?!"

Sirius had begun hyperventilating as soon as he figured out that he was trapped, and against his will, tears began pouring out of his eyes. He was no longer in the dorm, but in the dark, dirty Shack, and it wasn't James on top of him but Moony, leaning over him with glowing amber-gold eyes.

"No, _no_…" he moaned. "Please, don't! This…this is _wrong_…this isn't supposed to happen!"

"James, get off of him," Remus said urgently, pulling James' shoulder. "He's having flashbacks."

With wide eyes, James quickly rose to his feet, getting off of his best friend. Sirius didn't get up or try to get away, but curled up in a ball on the ground, as though shielding himself from all around him. James, Remus, and Peter all looked on worriedly, previous anger forgotten in light of Sirius' tears. It was a rare occasion when you saw Sirius Black cry, let alone sobbing like he was then, so it had to be bad.

Finally Sirius' sobbing stopped, and he fell quiet, only the occasional sniffle coming from him. James slowly approached, being the best friend, and knelt down in front of Sirius. He gently pulled at Sirius' wrists to get them away from his face, and after a moment of resistance, Sirius acquiesced. James looked worriedly at Sirius' puffy and red face, and pulled him up to sit up. Sirius closed his eyes as he sat up, and James put an arm around his shoulder. Remus approached from the other side and put a hand on his knee, and Peter stood in front of him for a moment before dropping to sit Indian style across from him.

"I'm sorry," James said after a moment. "We've been bastards to you for so long for not listening to you and it's made us _all _miserable."

Sirius shook his head. "I didn't want to talk to you guys," he said quietly. "I don't need you guys getting involved in all of my shit."

"Your shit is our shit," Remus said simply, surprising them all that he swore. Remus ignored their reactions and elaborated, "We're brothers, even if sometimes we're not so great at it. All of us should always be able to come to each other with our problems and we'll all deal with it together."

"What if it's two of our problems, but only one of us knows it?" Sirius asked unhappily. "What then?"

"Well, I'd expect that the person that knows it would share, especially as it's directly affecting more than just one person, whether they know it or not."

"What if one person's problems will hurt another one of us?" Sirius said.

"One person's problems will hurt _all_ of us – that's the point," Peter said, speaking for the first time since Sirius had come in. "We don't like seeing the others struggling – that hurts us, too."

"That's not what I meant," Sirius muttered.

"Well, what did you mean, then?" Remus asked kindly.

It took a moment for Sirius to work out his answer without giving too much away. "What if someone did something to another one of us without knowing it, and it hurts the other but the one that hurt the other doesn't know that he did it, but if he did find out he would feel awful about doing it, even though he couldn't have stopped it?"

They all looked confused, so Sirius shook his head and stood up. "Never mind," he said quickly. "Forget I asked." Tears stung at his eyes again as he turned to go to his bed – he knew that they would never understand.

"Padfoot," Remus said right next to him, and Sirius started, not having realized that Remus had stood as well. "What's going on?"

Sirius tried to ignore him and continue to his bed, but Remus grabbed his elbow to stop him.

"Sirius," he said firmly, and tears rose in Sirius' eyes again as he realized that he was unable to keep it a secret any longer. Not from Remus – not when he was demanding.

"It was you," he whispered, still turned away from Remus, as though hoping that Remus would just let it go but knowing that it was futile.

"What?" Remus sounded confused as he loosened his grip on Sirius, though still held on.

Sirius jerked his arm away and whirled to face the three of them, unable to stand it anymore and just wanting to get everything out in the open. "It was _you_!" he yelled. "_You're _the one who did this to me!"

Remus still looked extraordinarily confused, but Sirius didn't care. "_You_ told me that all werewolves care about is finding their prey in humans!" he exclaimed. "They're not supposed to care about…about _that_!"

Remus looked even more confused. "What are you _talking _about?"

"_You_!" Sirius cried. "That night! I _did _go down to the Shack – and of course Moony was a stubborn little bastard and wouldn't get away from the wood pieces all over the ground, so when he speared his paw, I had to get it out so that he wouldn't bite off his whole paw. Well, dogs don't have posable thumbs"—he laughed dryly—"But humans do, so I wanted to save you from the pain of losing a hand and changed back so that I could get it out."

The other three's eyes widened – that had been an incredibly dangerous and so _Sirius _thing to do, and they wondered how Sirius was even standing there today. Remus glanced at the scar in his right hand – he had wondered what had happened when there were two scars of the same length on either side of his hand, but it hadn't hurt much, so he hadn't bothered asking about it. Now he knew that he had Sirius to thank for that.

"And of course," Sirius continued smoothly, "Werewolves can't just accept it and move on – Moony decided a nice thank-you gift would be a cock up the arse!" His eyes flashed with anger, pain, and betrayal.

Remus sucked in a quick breath, shocked at Sirius' words. It had been him. _He _was the one to have raped Sirius that night and made Sirius act like how he had been for the last month. That was why he made all of the monster comments – he probably hated him. Remus hated himself for what the wolf had done.

James and Peter were looking between Sirius and Remus, shocked into silence. Sirius choked a bit before he whispered, "I didn't want to tell you guys, because I thought…" he took in a deep breath before saying to Remus, "I don't blame you, Remus. I could never blame you for something you did when you were transformed. But…I didn't want you to feel bad for it, and it just made me so _angry_, because I couldn't talk to anyone about it and I was just so…alone." He sighed and sank onto the closest bed, which happened to be James'.

"I'm sorry about Snape," he said quietly. "I wasn't…I wasn't _thinking_." He let out a dry sob and buried his face in his hands.

Remus had tears of guilt in his eyes as he looked at Sirius. Everything he had done and said over the past month finally made sense, but that didn't mean that he was happy about it. He was confused why the werewolf would have raped Sirius rather than killing him – especially as he was in his human form – but he pushed that aside for now as he went to sit next to Sirius on the bed. He was hesitant as he sat, not knowing what Sirius' reaction would be, but it didn't seem as though the boy was bothered.

Remus reached out and put a hand on Sirius' knee. Sirius flinched – ever so slightly, but enough for them to notice – and Remus said, "I'm sorry."

Sirius stared at the hand, and just when Remus was about to pull back, Sirius put his own hand over it, keeping it there. No other words were said, but Remus knew that Sirius had forgiven him, and that was enough for now.

* * *

**SO…I updated the very day after the last chapter. I think that deserves a few reviews, don't you think? Especially 'cause I only got ONE for the last chapter…(shout out to TechNomaNcer28!) Come on…it's so easy! :) Cheers!**


	7. Mates for Life

**Yes! Next chapter! A lot of questions answered, a lot of problems raised...and an ending that I just ADORE! Hope you guys love, and remember to review! It entices me to update sooner! :)**

* * *

**"Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart."  
― José N. Harris, ****_MI VIDA_**

* * *

Sirius was noticeably happier over the next couple of days. He sat with the Marauders more, no longer making a conscious effort to stay away from Remus, and his appetite improved. Of course, that didn't mean that it was normal – he still had his weird diet of putting mustard on pancakes or syrup on his meatloaf. But it was good to see Sirius eating again, because it was clear to see that he'd lost some weight.

Remus was even quieter than usual, but he was relieved that Sirius didn't seem to be angry at him anymore. Apparently all Sirius had really needed was to confess to what had happened, and now it was finally off his chest.

Of course, things weren't back to how they used to be (though that was to be expected). It was a bit strained between the four of them – Remus and Sirius more so than the others – because of Sirius having blurted to Snape how to get to Moony. But Sirius had apologized, and he had to clean cauldrons and polish the trophy room and gross things like that for the rest of the year, under Filch's watchful eye. But Sirius never complained – he knew that he deserved it.

Lily watched Sirius on Wednesday at breakfast. She had, of course, seen all that was going on and saw that Sirius seemed to be a bit more cheerful. She was relieved that everything was finally out in the open between the four close-knit friends, but something felt…off. She knew that it had something to do with the way Remus kept trying to be discreet in watching Sirius, and how Sirius seemed to be studiously _not _looking into Remus' eyes.

She watched Sirius as he scooped strawberry jam onto his eggs and then topped it with sprinkles. James said something, and Sirius stuck out a tongue at him before pointedly taking a big bite of his goopy-looking eggs. James and Peter made grossed-out faces and laughed, but Remus only quirked a small smile, an odd look on his face as he stared at his friend.

A thought crossed her mind suddenly, and she smiled, cocking her head in thought. Next to her, Alice asked what she was smiling at.

"Nothing," Lily said with a smile, looking away from the boys. "I've gotta get to the library, though – I'll see you later in Transfiguration."

* * *

Remus was deep in thoughts of Sirius when Lily came running up to him in the corridor.

"Remus!" she puffed, having jogged to catch up with him. "Walk with me?"

Remus glanced down the hallway before shrugging. Classes were let out for the day, so he didn't _really _have anywhere he needed to be. He followed her for several minutes, walking along the edge of the lake and toward the Forbidden Forest.

Finally, Lily spoke, though she kept her gaze focused on the pathway ahead. "I was doing some research yesterday," she started. "Found a lot of things that answered my questions."

Remus looked interested. "Yeah? What were you researching?"

Lily shrugged carelessly. "I thought I'd look at the mating habits and rituals between magical creatures," she said casually. "Mainly between werewolves."

Remus paled so suddenly it was as though a switch had been flicked. His steps faltered, but on Lily's face he only saw concern. He didn't _know _that she knew…maybe it was just a coincidence.

"Really?" His voice came out a lot stronger than he felt. "What about it?"

Lily gave him an odd look, but she kept walking and said, "Well, firstly between two males it isn't that common – for the animal part of the werewolf, anyway – but when that _does _happen, the um…" She blushed but pushed on, "The recipient, if you will, starts acting more…female. See, there's some sort of magical…_part _in the werewolf's sperm that would immediately impregnate the female, but if the recipient is a boy, well, you can see the issue there." She smiled wryly. "But because whatever it is that's in the sperm is magical, it tells the body that it should be pregnant, so it starts sending reactions to the brain that they _are _pregnant. For example, the boy would start having the crazy pregnant woman cravings, and would have more mood swings."

Remus was suddenly reminded of Sirius' Muggle candy – sour gummy worms – that had been mixed in with Sirius' spaghetti earlier that day, and was relieved to finally have his friend's odd appetite explained. It had been crazy before all this had happened, but hot sauce on his cheesecake was just ridiculous, even for Sirius.

"But that's not the important part," Lily said, waving her hand almost dismissively. "Say, for example, that only one of the mates was a werewolf, and the other human. If the werewolf mated with the human on the full moon against the human's will, and the human later doesn't want anything to do with the werewolf, they'll both end up dead."

Remus stopped in his tracks. He blinked; his jaw dropped. "What?" he asked, his voice coming out a bit higher than usual.

Lily nodded, and after seeing that he wasn't following, stopped and walked back to him. "Well, werewolves mate for life. The werewolf – the 'top' in this scenario – is always going to remember his mate – his scent, his touch, _everything_. And the werewolf is very protective, _especially _of their mate. Every full moon, their mate _needs _to be there, or they'll get very aggressive and angry, and usually turn on themselves. They'll see themselves as the enemy; they'll think it's their own fault that their mate isn't there, that they could be dead. They can generally only go one full moon without them before they start to lose it. By the second full moon, if the mate isn't there and if they haven't…well, had sex since that first time when the human was claimed as their mate, they'll end up killing themselves before the moon sets again."

"What about the human mate?" Remus practically demanded, heart pounding. "What happens to them?"

Lily sighed. "After the werewolf has died, the magic running in its mate's blood that's from them changes. Many people have theorized that it was a magic started by the werewolves themselves, possibly while in their human form. Even in human form, the werewolf is very protective of their mate, and they don't want their mate to be hurt, even if those thoughts aren't recognized by them in human form. Anyway, the blood changes so that werewolves all around them don't know that their mate has died, because that would cause chaos of other Alphas trying to claim the human. But it puts off a different scent to the other werewolves, saying that it's in _need _of a mate. It produces almost the same effect as before, unfortunately. But this time the scent is searching for _stronger _Alphas, so it's actually much worse than before.

"The Alphas end up fighting over the mate, leaving one alive to claim the human. But usually the werewolf is so wrapped up in the blood he was involved in before that he'll bite the human. Unfortunately, the bite interacts negatively with the blood already in the human's bloodstream, and when the now-werewolf transforms at the next full moon, it will be an even slower transformation than most werewolves. And, because the human body is not designed to go through that amount of pain continuously in such an extended period of time, the body will give out during their shift back to human."

Remus was pale, paler than he'd ever been. He licked his dry lips, but it did nothing for him. He could not imagine…_Sirius_…his heart clenched painfully at all of the pain he'd unintentionally put Sirius through.

"What about if he came the second full moon?" he asked numbly. "Could it all be stopped, then?"

Lily shrugged. "Presumably. But because he was already missing that first full moon, the wolf may be a bit…overzealous." She winced slightly and elaborated, "And on top of the wolf being joyful at the mate's return, he'll also be angry, and feel the need to 'punish' their mate."

"Punish…?" Remus whispered, bloody thoughts flashing through his mind.

Lily nodded. "It won't be biting or scratching or anything like that, but the sex will be…rough. Bones could be broken on accident, joints dislocated…"

Remus swallowed and nodded, staring unseeingly into the distance. "For how dedicated werewolves seem to be, one would think they would try and make a reappearance even _not _on the full moon, you know."

Lily nodded in agreement. "Oh, they do. See, they never truly _left_ after the moon set in the first place. Think of it like being tied up. Normally when the moon isn't full, they're tied down all across their body. It takes them the twenty-eight days between the full moons to break free of them, but then the moon pulls them back and ties them down again and they have to start all over. Well, when they're looking for their mate, they have a single rope tied around their waist to hold them back. They have more leeway in moving, and they're closer to the surface of your mind. And after enough give, the rope will snap and they'll be free."

Remus became, if possible, even whiter. "You mean…they could transform when it's not the full moon? Just like that?"

Lily shook her head. "No, the moon gives them the power to transform their bodies. But the mind will be that of the wolf's – they might as well be the werewolf, but without the claws and sharp teeth."

"When would they go back?"

Lily stared at him seriously for a moment before answering. "You won't be given your mind back until the wolf feels that Sirius has been sufficiently found and 'taught'."

"You…you knew?" Remus practically gasped.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Give me some credit, Remus. I've known since third year. Obviously, I'll keep your secret safe."

Remus gaped for a moment before blinking and closing his mouth, coming back to the more pressing issue at hand. "So basically, if Sirius and I don't…then we'll both die painful deaths."

Lily nodded, even though it wasn't a question.

"Honestly, it's your choice, Remus," she told him. "But I can see in your eyes – the wolf is just there. He's biding his time now, but he'll show. You should stay away from Sirius until you've made your decision, at least."

Remus nodded, though tears were beginning to blur in his vision – not so much for himself, but for Sirius. Whatever happened, Sirius would be in pain. His guilt grew in tenfold; Sirius would never be able to get past the pain of what happened, not after this came to light.

"Hey," Lily said in a kind voice, and then her arms were around him, hugging him in comfort. He hesitated a moment before he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, seeking the comfort she willingly gave.

"It'll be alright," she said softly as tears finally fell from his eyes, trailing down his cheeks. "Shh…"

_It __**won't **__be alright, _he thought as he cried. _Whatever happens, I'll be hurting Sirius. Haven't I already done enough of that?_

* * *

After Lily had gone, Remus went to the Room of Requirement. When he walked in, he found that he was in a room about the size of the dorm, with shelves full of glass and porcelain dishes and figurines. He tried to take a couple of steadying breaths, but it wasn't helping him control the turmoil inside of him. He picked up a teacup from the closest bookshelf, holding it in his hands for a moment. Then, in a sudden move, he threw the teacup at the stone wall at the other end of the room, watching in morbid satisfaction as it shattered in a tinkle of glass, little shards dropping to the ground. He picked up a wheelbarrow figurine next, and chucked that as well.

As he threw every breakable piece he could reach, tears streamed unrelentingly down his face. He felt angry, sad, confused, and lost all at once.

"WHY?!" he screamed, distantly grateful that the walls were soundproof. He threw a glass rose at the wall with enough force to shatter a dresser, but the stone wall held. He picked up an intricate bowl the size of his head.

"WHY CAN'T I JUST BE _NORMAL_?!" he threw the bowl at the wall with both hands and picked up a bowl identical to the previous one.

"I DIDN'T _ASK_ FOR THIS! IF I WAS _NORMAL_"—he threw the bowl at this word and grabbed a figurine of a couple in wedding clothes kissing—"THEN I COULD HAVE FUCKING _NORMAL _RELATIONSHIPS! _I DON'T FUCKING __**WANT**__ THIS FOR US!_"

With a scream of pure helplessness and rage, Remus threw a glass turtle, chapel, plate, and piano at the wall in quick succession. The tears were making his eyesight blurry, but he didn't care. He continued throwing the rest of the breakable items in the room at the wall; the pile of broken shards and pieces grew bigger with each item.

One of the last items he picked up, he just so happened to look at, and he sucked in a ragged breath. It was a figurine of a dark-haired boy sitting on a Muggle motorcycle, and it so remarkably resembled Sirius that he broke.

He crumpled to the ground, unable to hold himself up any longer, and drew his knees to his chest, hugging the figurine to his chest as he sobbed his heart out.

"Oh, Sirius…" he whispered through his tears. "I'm so sorry…I never meant for this to happen…Sirius, I love you…"

* * *

**Does anyone else just LOVE that ending? I love a broken Remus - I just want to give him a big ol' hug! Please please PLEASE review - I'm almost done with the next chapter, and then there's just the epilogue after that! :) Cheers!**


	8. Silencio

**"It's bullshit to think of friendship and romance as being different. They're not. They're just variations of the same love. Variations of the same desire to be close."  
― Rachel Cohn, ****_Naomi and Ely's No Kiss List_**

Remus went back to the dorms several hours after everyone was supposed to have gone to bed. He had cried and screamed and broken everything in sight, and he was utterly spent. He just wanted to go to sleep and forget any of this had ever happened. He still held the little statue that reminded him of Sirius in his hands, though – he wasn't sure why he had kept it.

He opened the door to the dorms and went toward his bed, ready to climb in and drop off to sleep.

Then someone moved in their sleep, and it was at the very moment that Remus inhaled.

_Mate._

He froze, holding his breath, trying to choke back the feeling of something clawing its way up his throat. The wolf sensed its mate, and it was freer now, if what Lily had said was accurate. He physically had to restrain himself from pouncing on Sirius' bed and ravishing him then and there.

_I'll just get my blanket and leave, _Remus thought after several moments and successfully pushing the wolf back down. _I can sleep in the Common Room. On second thought, screw the blanket._

He turned away, still holding his breath…

…and promptly fell over someone's clothes on the ground.

He distantly heard someone sit up in bed at the noise, but he was getting slightly dizzy from the lack of air after holding his breath for so long and couldn't tell who it was. He scrambled to stand up, and suddenly a hand was there to help him up.

"You alright there, Moony? You don't look so good."

Remus and Moony recognized the voice – Remus because he'd heard it every day since he was eleven, and Moony because of its richness and distinctly _mate _undertone. And Remus was horrified when his cock began to swell of its own accord.

_No, no, no, no, no…_ Remus thought desperately as he felt a distinct _tug _– though where in his body, he wasn't sure. He recognized it, though usually he was in the pain of his transformations when he'd felt it, so before it was simply a nuisance. It was the feeling of the wolf's personality tugging at Remus' mind, demanding to take over.

"Dear God, have you been _crying_?" Sirius sounded concerned as he bent down to look up into his face. His face…it was so close to Sirius' now – he could just reach out and grab –

No. With great effort, he lifted his arms and shoved Sirius away by the shoulders. He realized distantly that Sirius was only wearing pajama bottoms, but the thought was gone the next moment as the burning rose in his chest. Sirius looked shocked at Remus' behavior, but Remus didn't care. He had to get away.

"Get away from me!" he gasped.

Sirius blinked confusedly. "Moony?"

Remus nodded quickly, struggling to retake control of his body. "Yes! Wolf – mate!"

"Remus, what're you talking about?" Sirius asked with a frown.

"Wolf…wants you!" Remus gasped, pressing his hand to his chest as though by doing so would hold the wolf back. "You're…my…mate…!"

Sirius looked floored. He blinked rapidly several times before saying, "So…the wolf wants to claim me…again…what happens if I don't?"

Remus shook his head, trying to keep back the raging inferno inside him. He didn't want to make Sirius feel obligated to anything. He didn't plan on telling Sirius what would happen, not unless it came to be important, because he knew that Sirius' honor wouldn't allow Remus to die.

"Remus," Sirius said sternly in warning.

Remus broke, and he looked at Sirius with glowing golden eyes so filled with sadness it was painful. "We die."

* * *

Sirius stared down at Remus' heartbreaking struggle, at the rapidly growing glow in the amber-colored eyes as the wolf inside fought for dominance over the human body. His words bounced around in his head uncomprehendingly. _We die. We die. We die…we die…we die…we die we die we die wedie wedie wedie wedie wediewediewediewedie..._

Even for all that Moony had done to him, he still loved Remus. He couldn't let _Remus _die – he didn't care so much for himself, but for his dear bookish friend to pass on would be a travesty. He'd loved the shy, quiet boy since second year, around the time he had been figuring out that Remus was a werewolf, and his crush hadn't quelled as time passed on. It had only grown. Even after _all _of this, he had never stopped loving the sweet boy. And now Remus was going through pain to give Sirius the choice on whether or not they'd live or die. He wasn't sure quite how it all worked out or how Remus had found out, but that didn't matter right then.

Without another word or thought or any sense of hesitation on his part, Sirius closed the distance between the two boys and pressed his lips to Remus'.

The kiss wasn't soft or sweet – it was hard and bruising, not really even a kiss but a forceful touch of lips on lips.

He could feel the tension easing in Remus' body, and he kept his eyes wide open, locked on the other boy's. Remus' eyes began to fade to their normal amber, and there was definite surprise there, probably the reaction of the voluntary kiss on Sirius' part.

Finally he pulled back and said, "The wolf…he's backing down. It worked."

Remus seemed to almost deflate, a disappointed look crossing over his face. "Yeah," he said quietly. "Not for too long, though. I should go now, before it gets stronger again and…"

Sirius grabbed his arm before he could stand up. "Wait," he almost pleaded. "Can I say something first?"

Remus looked hesitant. "I…the wolf…"

"I'll make it quick," Sirius said quietly. "Look, I've…I was never mad at you, you know. I mean I was, but not really. But I was never mad because of anything sex-related that happened. I didn't totally realize it at first, but I've had a lot of time to think about it in the past month, and I realized I was just disappointed. It sounds stupid, and I'm sorry, but it's not like it can be changed or anything, because I'm pretty sure I was born this way…"

"Sirius," Remus interrupted. "You're not making any sense."

Sirius huffed before biting his lip in a way that left Remus staring transfixed. "Look, what I'm trying to say is…I'm queer. Gay. A flaming pouf. Whatever you want to call it. And I've liked you for a few years now, but I always thought you were straight – not that I ever saw you with _anyone_, really – and then that full moon, Moony…well, I figured you _must've _been gay then. But I didn't care so much anymore, because…well, I'd always hoped that, if you _did _turn out to be bent, then we could…have something. And that our first time sleeping together would sweeter, and lovely, and you'd _remember _it later. But it wasn't, and you didn't, and I wished you did, because something is better than nothing. But I had…nothing."

Remus watched him with wide, surprised eyes. He'd suspected that Sirius swung more towards the boys than the girls, but he never thought that _he _would be the one Sirius was crushing on from afar. He – shy, quiet, unimportant, ridiculously scarred werewolf Remus Lupin. But here he was, and here Sirius was, professing his love.

"What are you trying to say, Sirius?" Remus asked with a slightly quavering voice as fire began to burn within him again.

Sirius met his gaze head-on without flinching. "I want you to make love to me, Remus," he said softly. "And I want it to be sweet, and _real_, without a crazy wolf getting in the way." The corner of his mouth twitched like he was fighting a smile, but he never broke his gaze from Remus'.

"Sirius…" Remus began, but Sirius cut him off, wrapping his arms around the leaner boy's neck.

"We both want it, Moony," he whispered against his lips, and Remus found that he wasn't embarrassed that Sirius had noticed his erection through the robes, though slightly ashamed.

Then all other thought was lost when Sirius touched his lips against Remus', sweeter and more tentative than before. Remus let Sirius lead, not sure that Sirius was really willing to go as far as needed. When Sirius brushed his tongue across Remus' bottom lip, begging for entrance, he parted his lips, allowing access.

Sirius' eager tongue darted inside as though to keep his mouth open before Remus could change his mind, and it went to all corners of his mouth, exploring every surface. When it pressed lightly on Remus' palate, Remus groaned and finally gave in, massaging his own tongue against Sirius'.

Sirius delightedly gave in when Remus pressed his tongue backwards, happy to elicit a positive response from the boy. There was no battle for dominance; Sirius immediately, instinctually surrendered, allowing Remus to explore his own mouth in the same way he had moments before to the other boy. Sirius tugged on Remus' hair as though to bring him deeper into his mouth, and Remus seemed to be fighting halfheartedly to keep his hands from running up and down Sirius' back. It was a losing battle, but Sirius delighted in the touch.

Sirius wrapped his legs instinctively around Remus' waist, causing his erection to be pushed against Remus' stomach through the pajama pants. Making something of a sound between a growl and a groan, Remus' hands went further down and gripped Sirius' arse in his hands.

_That beautiful, delectable arse… _he thought, rising to his feet and easily taking Sirius up with him.

Sirius sucked on Remus' tongue as he felt the world move below him, and even with closed eyes, he knew that Remus was carrying him to the bed.

Quicker than he thought possible, he was on his back and Remus had pulled away from him, though he still knelt between his legs. His eyes were glowing only slightly, and they were dilated with lust. His face was flushed and his lips swollen, hair falling about his face in all its adorably mussed glory. He was beautiful.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Remus half-whispered.

Sirius almost huffed, but he saw how nervous and apprehensive his friend – boyfriend? Lover? – was, so he didn't. But that didn't mean the question deserved a response. Not a verbal one, anyway.

He took Remus by the back of his neck and dragged him down for another bruising kiss. After they pulled away, Sirius said almost playfully but with definite lust in his voice, "Now, Moony…why don't you show me what else that tongue of yours can do?"

Remus grinned unashamedly, and he bent down to kiss and lave Sirius' bare chest with his tongue, fumbling with one hand for his wand. The curtains flicked shut, a whispered _Silencio _was heard, and then no other sound came from that bed for the rest of the night.

* * *

**So...yeah, this was supposed to be the chapter with the explicit sex that I warned ya'll about in the beginning, but as you can see it's not too bad. See, when I first wrote the whole story down before it was erased from my storage card, this was a pretty dirty chapter (;p), but then when I was redoing it, I just wanted to end it like how I did here - it leaves it to the imagination of the reader, which is you guys. ;) So, sorry if you're disappointed, but I'm happier with this.**

**Although, thinking about it as I type it, there's a detail in my original chapter that comes to mind that I think is good to know. Basically, Remus has just penetrated Sirius' arse, and Sirius starts to have flashbacks of Moony, and Remus ends up scared that he's hurt Sirius in that way. Sirius assures himself that it's Remus and ****_not _****Moony, and he's not gonna get hurt, and then he's fine. I think that's important, because it did show that it was still a bit difficult for Sirius to get over the whole Moony issue, but then he's reassuring himself of Remus' real love and it's all okay. And of course, Remus is comforting him too - because can you honestly believe that while Sirius is kinda freaking out that he'd just stare at him? Nope, didn't think so. Not Remus. Anyhoo, so just assume that that happened after the curtains were closed in this version of the chapter, too.**

**So...hope you guys like this chapter! I'm glad I didn't disappoint anyone who reviewed in that Sirius and Remus ended up together. ...I would never do something so horribly sad! Wolfstar forever!**

**So...review, please? After I've gotten 6 or 7 for this chapter, I'll post the epilogue! Cheers, folks! :)**


End file.
